Joke thread

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balotellishaircut said:
Donald Trump has a heart attack and drops down dead.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. “I don’t know what to do here” says the devil. You’re on my list but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you.

I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take there place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.
Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in and surfacing empty handed, over and over again, dive in and surfaced with nothing, such was his fate in Hell.

“No” said Donald, I don’t think so, I’m not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair” I don’t think I could do that all day.
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer time after time.

“No this is no good, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day” comments Donald.

The devil opened the third room door, through it Donald saw Bill Clinton lying on a bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief and finally said “ Yes I can handle this “

The devil smiled and said….

“ Ok Monica, you’re free to go “
Click to expand...
Nice traditional joke that.
 
balotellishaircut said:
Donald Trump has a heart attack and drops down dead.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. “I don’t know what to do here” says the devil. You’re on my list but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you.

I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take there place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.
Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in and surfacing empty handed, over and over again, dive in and surfaced with nothing, such was his fate in Hell.

“No” said Donald, I don’t think so, I’m not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair” I don’t think I could do that all day.
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer time after time.

“No this is no good, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day” comments Donald.

The devil opened the third room door, through it Donald saw Bill Clinton lying on a bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief and finally said “ Yes I can handle this “

The devil smiled and said….

“ Ok Monica, you’re free to go “
Click to expand...
You had me at….
‘Donald Trump has a heart attack and drops down dead.’
 
Vladimir Putin, to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk there is a section for questions.
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea and why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?"
Putin says, "Good questions". But just as he is about to answer the bell goes and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit down and there is room for some more questions. Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions. Why did the Russians invade Crimea, why are we sending troops to the Ukraine, why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early and where the fuck is Sasha?
 
My partner came downstairs last night and asked "Do these pants make my arse look big?"

I looked up from my newspaper and simply replied "No, Chocolate cake makes your arse look big."
 
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