Joke thread

A man goes to the cemetery to visit his late wife. He notices a man across the way who is inconsolable. The man is pounding the ground with his fist and sobbing “why did you have to die why why why?

The other man rushes over and tries to calm him down. He says “I understand the deceased must have been very very close to you”. The man, still sobbing, says “no, I never met him” and begins pounding the ground and repeating “why why why did you die?”

The first man is terrbly confused. “May I ask you who is buried here?”

The sobbing man pauses and says... “it's my wife's first husband “.
 
kippaxneil said:
I can't stand people who always think they're worse off than everyone else.
My mate Derek is brilliant...a few years ago, he had a nasty accident and lost both feet and his voice.
But does he make a song and dance about it?...
Click to expand...
True story, I worked for a data technology company supplying betting information to bookmakers. A new system was developed and a promotional leaflet was produced for the reps to sell, in it, the system was described as, "all singing and all dancing".

After what could be described as a bit of a disaster one of our Customers rang our Office based in Salford, he said:

"this system you sold me that is all singing, all dancing, well it's now got a sore throat and gout"
 
A gas man knocked at a door. A young lad about 14 answered dressed in suspenders, fish net stockings, wig, basque and full make-up. He's holding a glass of brandy in one hand and a spliff the size of a Cornetto in the other
The gas man says, 'Hiya mate, is your mam or dad in?'
Kid replies, 'What do you fuckin think?'
 
A man takes a week off work and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off and soon finds himself catching up with a stunning woman playing in front of him.

He suggests that they play against each other for the rest of the day and she agrees. The woman proves to be very talented, and wins on the last hole. Afterwards, she accepts the man's offer of a lift home and, on the way, admits she hasn't enjoyed herself so much for a long time. "In fact," she says, "why don't you pull over so I can show you how much I appreciate it." So the man pulls over and, to his delight, the woman performs oral sex on him. They arrange to play golf again the next morning. Once again the woman wins, and she shows her appreciation in the same way on the journey home.

This goes on every day, and on Friday, the man reveals he has booked dinner at a restaurant and a night of passion in a hotel.

On the way there, the woman suddenly bursts into tears. "I can't do it," she says, "You see, I'm a transvestite." The man is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, and pulls the car to a screeching halt. "You fucking cheat!" he screams. "You've been playing off the ladies' tees all week."
 
A farmer visits his friend down the road and as they are chatting the visitor notices a 3-legged pig hobbling by the house.

That's a strange pig he says.

You bet, says his friend. A couple weeks ago that very pig noticed our house was on fire and he squealed until we woke up. Saved our lives. He's a special pig for sure.

Then just last week my tractor upset and pinned me under it. Well, old piggy here ran back and squealed until Gladys followed him back and saved me again. Yep, a special pig.

Wow! That's amazing! But tell me, why does he only have 3 legs?

Oh! Well, a pig that special you don't eat all at once.
 
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