Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

Some lad attacked me with a bat in the park last night.

To be fair, I was impressed that he had managed to train it so well..

 

[Lavinda Past]

When I was a lad, I stayed overnight at my girlfriend's house but her dad said he didn't want us to sleep together.

So I had to sleep with my girlfriend.

 

[Lavinda Past]

All these kids coming out of the woodwork to be so-called Oasis fans.

I bet they couldn't even name two flavours.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Before my mate met his wife, he was depressed and miserable.

Since then she's really turned him round, he's now miserable and depressed.

 

[johnny crossan]

Before my mate met his wife, he was depressed and miserable.

Since then she's really turned him round, he's now miserable and depressed.

I send your jokes around the world.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I send your jokes around the world.

Poor buggers... What have they done to deserve that?

;-)

 

[kippaxneil]

My neighbour's daughter was asked by her English teacher to use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show that she understood it's meaning.
She replied, 'Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face with mild green fairy liquid.'

 

[hammocity]

My mate moved to America and went to view a house for sale on an old Indian reservation.

When he asked if it had running water, the estate agent told him that he'd have to find his own wife.

A Red Indian family living in Cheyenne in a tepee, son says to to his Dad " why am I called Sitting Bull instead of Tyler or Johnny?"

Dad says "well son, it's Red Indian tradition, when a child is born we look out of the tepee and what we see is what a baby is named after so obviously when you arrived we saw a bull sitting down"

Kid is suitably impressed, "ah right Dad, that clears it up, I'm off out to meet my mate"

Dad, "where are you off to son"

"I've arranged to meet my pal, Two Dogs Fucking".

 

[TinFoilHat]

 

[Vienna_70]

A teacher asked her class to come up with a sentence that included the word "Rotterdam".

Johnny put his hand up.

The teacher said, "Yes, Johnny?"

"My sister ate all my sweets. I hope they Rotterdam teeth."

 

[Hertzblue]

A teacher asked her class to come up with a sentence that included the word "Rotterdam".

Johnny put his hand up.

The teacher said, "Yes, Johnny?"

"My sister ate all my sweets. I hope they Rotterdam teeth."

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bri1975]

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[lefty goldblatt]

View attachment 130445

There'd be no-one on Warrington's buses, then

 

[Lavinda Past]

I'm thinking of selling my racing Geese. I just don't have the time anymore…

If you're interested let me know if you'd like a quick gander.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I ran into an old friend yesterday and he gave me some great advice.

"Watch where you're going when you're running you idiot!"

 

[Lavinda Past]

A woman with a big vagina is lying back at the gynaecologists.

She says "Please do not make any jokes about the size of my fanny I've heard them all before"

After not getting any response she repeats her request about no jokes regarding the size of her vagina. Again nothing so she shouts out "no jokes about my large vagina"

After a short delay, a muffled voice says “Sorry, I’m just the scaffolder love, the doctor will be along as soon as I've made the site safe”

 

[Lavinda Past]

A teacher asks the kids in her class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the
most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny’s whore."