Joke thread

My Indian friend had to go to the doctors last week as he had terrible stomachache.
The thing is he likes his food cooked in the tandoor, (clay oven), curries, pizzas, naan bread are all cooked in there, amongst other things.
The doctor said to my mate that becausei he liked his food cooked in the tandoor, he had obviously been eating bits of clay with his food.
THe doctor also said that if my friend hadn't visited when he did that he probably would have died in only a week or two.
On hearing that news, my mate was shitting bricks......
 
Little Johnny fell asleep in Sunday school...

The teacher asked, "Johnny, who is our Lord and savior?"
The boy behind him poked him in the back with a pin.
Johnny shot upright and shouted, "Jesus Christ!"
"Correct," said the teacher.
Johnny then fell back asleep.

The teacher called on him again, "Johnny, who was Jesus's mother?"
Again, the boy behind Johnny poked him.
Johnny woke up again and exclaimed, "Mary mother of God!"
"Correct," said the teacher once more.
Johnny fell back asleep.

The teacher called on him one last time, "Johnny, can you tell me what Eve said to Adam after she gave birth to their 3rd child?"

The boy behind him poked him once more.
Johnny shot up and shouted, "YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONCE MORE AND I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF!"
 
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A crew from a television show wanted to interview the world's oldest living person for an upcoming show. After weeks of searching, they learn about a man in a remote Russian village who is 120 years old.

They go to this village and start to interview this old man. They ask "Can you tell us a funny story about something that has happened to you?"

The old man replied "There was a woman who went missing in the woods long ago. We assembled a party and began searching for the woman, bringing along a couple boxes of vodka. We found the woman after a couple of days, drank the vodka, fucked the woman, and came back to the village."

A little disturbed, the interviewer asked the man "Can you tell us a different story?" and the man replies "Of course. There was a cow that went missing a long time ago. We assembled a party and searched for the cow, bringing a couple boxes of vodka. We found the cow, fucked it, and came back to the village."

Entirely disgusted, the interviewer asked "What was the *worst* story of what has happened to you?", thinking that the man would come out with something that is remotely funny and appropriate.

The old man then says "So I got lost in the woods a couple of years ago..."
 
Joseph Stalin is in a movie theatre with his fellow party members when one of them sneezes

"Who was it?", asks Stalin.

No answer.

"WHO WAS IT?!", he demands, even louder.

Still no answer.

Then he gets up and walks to the front of the theatre. He demands all the people in the front row to stand up. They promptly did.

"Was it one of you?", he asks.

No answer.

"Shoot all of them." His guards shoot all of them.

Then he moves on to the second row.

"Was it one of you?", he asks.

No answer.

"Shoot all of them." The guards shoot all of them.

Then he moves on to the third row.

"Was it one of you?", he asks.

Before anyone could stand up, a young man stands up trembling and shaking and weakly replies, "I... it was me... Com... Comrade Stalin."

Stalin turns towards him and says, "Bless you, comrade."
 
A girl goes to the cinema with her dog.

The film didn’t have a happy ending and many people were crying at the end, and her dog was crying as well.

A lady sitting next to her saw the dog crying and said “That’s absolutely amazing. I can’t believe your dog is crying”

She responded: “I can’t believe it either …. he really didn’t like the book”
 
Lavinda Past said:
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her all about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time.'
Click to expand...

Lavinda Past said:
A man is sat in an airport bar, having a drink, waiting for his flight to be called...

As he is sitting there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She's wearing a very smart uniform and the guy thinks "She must work for one of the top airlines".

He decides to find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her.

Thinking it might be British Airways he says, questioningly "The world's favourite airline?"

The woman looks at him quizically, but says nothing and goes back to her drink.

Thinking it might be Singapore Airlines, he says "A better way to fly?"

Again she looks at him, but says nothing, and goes back to her drink.

So he thinks "Maybe it's Thai Airlines. Their tagline is "As smooth as silk"

So he says to her "As smooth as silk?"

The woman turns to him, and says very aggressively "What the F**k do you want?"

To which he says "Ahhhhh....RyanAir!".
Click to expand...
I take it you're now re-reading this thread and re-posting jokes from the early days!
 
A group of friends, an Israeli, an Iraqi, a Turkmenistani, a Pakistani, an Omani, and a Yemeni tried to enter a nightclub. The doorman refused them entry saying "Sorry guys you can't come in without a Thai."
 
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