BongoBlue
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When I die, I want it to be peacefully, in my sleep like my grandad.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Last edited:
Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
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johnnytapia
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It’s an initialism, not an acronym.
Citizen of Legoland
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If it can be read as a word it becomes an acronym, like NATO, which is simply the initial letters of the organisation, so it is both, but only if pronounced the American way.
I’ve always said. ‘Aysap’, never knew it was American.
Citizen of Legoland
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I’m just guessing on that tbh, but it feels like that’s where I have heard it most often, in movies & TV mainly.
HorlocksWalk
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Three guys waiting to get into heaven, the first goes up and St Peter (I know other religions are available but go with me) and is asked 'Did you smoke, drink or fornicate whilst on earth'?
First guy replies no to all and is given the keys to a Bugatti Veyron, second guy replies 'in moderation' and is given a Tesla, The third guy says he died of lung cancer complicated by liver disease (I could not spell 'sclerosis') complicated by a dose. He is given a high mileage Chinese EV.
A short while later the third guy comes back pissing himself laughing. 'What is so funny?' asks St Peter.
'I have just knocked a vicar off his e-scooter', he replies.
First guy replies no to all and is given the keys to a Bugatti Veyron, second guy replies 'in moderation' and is given a Tesla, The third guy says he died of lung cancer complicated by liver disease (I could not spell 'sclerosis') complicated by a dose. He is given a high mileage Chinese EV.
A short while later the third guy comes back pissing himself laughing. 'What is so funny?' asks St Peter.
'I have just knocked a vicar off his e-scooter', he replies.
Lavinda Past
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A man caught a fish and as he was reeling it in...
"Let me go and I will grant you a wish" said the fish.
"But I don't need anything. I have a house, a summer house by the sea, cars, a cottage in the mountains, a yacht, more than enough money..... I only fish for pleasure" he says.
"Come on, please, let me go now and I'll fulfill any wish".
"Well, ok" says the guy "From now on I wish that my dear wife and I always have an orgasm at the same time", and releases the fish.
"Granted" says the fish as it swims away.
The man picked up his fishing equipment, put it in the car and happily drove off….
On the way home he came twice.
"Let me go and I will grant you a wish" said the fish.
"But I don't need anything. I have a house, a summer house by the sea, cars, a cottage in the mountains, a yacht, more than enough money..... I only fish for pleasure" he says.
"Come on, please, let me go now and I'll fulfill any wish".
"Well, ok" says the guy "From now on I wish that my dear wife and I always have an orgasm at the same time", and releases the fish.
"Granted" says the fish as it swims away.
The man picked up his fishing equipment, put it in the car and happily drove off….
On the way home he came twice.
Lavinda Past
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My mate suddenly quit his job at BMW.
Unsurprisingly, he gave no indication that he was leaving.
Unsurprisingly, he gave no indication that he was leaving.
Alan Harper's Tash
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Lavinda Past
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Lavinda Past
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Lavinda Past
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Lavinda Past
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Lavinda Past
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An Aussie trucker and an emu walk into a roadside cafe and sit down at the bar.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, “A hamburger, chips and a Coke,” then turns to the emu to ask, “What’s yours?”
“Sounds great, I’ll have the same,” says the emu.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $10.40 please.”
The truckie reaches into his pocket, pulls out the exact change, and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, “A hamburger, chips and a Coke.”
The emu says, “Sounds great, I’ll have the same.”
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes routine until one day when the waitress asks, “The usual?”
“No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the truckie.
“Same for me,” says the emu.
The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”
Once again the man pulls the exact change from his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me mate, but how do you manage to pull the exact change from your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the truckie, “a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and I found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant,” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
Still curious, the waitress asks, “So what’s with the bloody emu?”
The truckie pauses, sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall bird with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, “A hamburger, chips and a Coke,” then turns to the emu to ask, “What’s yours?”
“Sounds great, I’ll have the same,” says the emu.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $10.40 please.”
The truckie reaches into his pocket, pulls out the exact change, and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, “A hamburger, chips and a Coke.”
The emu says, “Sounds great, I’ll have the same.”
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes routine until one day when the waitress asks, “The usual?”
“No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the truckie.
“Same for me,” says the emu.
The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”
Once again the man pulls the exact change from his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me mate, but how do you manage to pull the exact change from your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the truckie, “a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and I found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant,” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
Still curious, the waitress asks, “So what’s with the bloody emu?”
The truckie pauses, sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall bird with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”
Lavinda Past
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Lavinda Past
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Lavinda Past
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My mate hurt his back in an accident when he was on holiday in Egypt.
He had to go and see a Cairopractor.
He had to go and see a Cairopractor.
