Joke thread

A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "I've always wanted to have sex with a little person."


The dwarf replied "I'm sorry, but I've had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up."


"It's ok," said the woman, "My husband is working away until next week." So, against his better judgment he goes back with the woman.


They start having amazing sex, when suddenly the front door opens.


"Shit, it's my husband!" she said. "Quick, hang out of the bedroom window and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away!"


So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips.


The husband comes in the bedroom, says "It's cold in here!" slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground.


The woman is distraught and calls an ambulance. A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in hospital.


"How are you?" she asked.


"Well, my fingers are broken, I've got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion," he said.


"Oh dear!" she said. "Still, it could have been much worse."



"Much worse?" said the dwarf. "How do you figure that out?"


"Well," she said, "You're lucky that I live in a bungalow!"
 
hammocity said:
Used to be called The Robin Hood which was the last pub my mate's (Phil) Dad was Landlord of back in the early 80's. It was Phil's funeral yesterday, he was 70, we gave him a good send off, he was a very gregarious, successful man, people flew from South Africa, Trinidad (where he lived for a few years) and South America for the funeral, big turn out for someone in their 70's.

Just to keep the post on thread, a colleague who still lives in Trinidad did his eulogy. They were in a bar in New York, a gobby yank approached them and said:

"I don't recognise your accent, where are you from". Phil (born and brought up in Ashton) said "Trinidad". It confused the Yank who answered back "isn't that a former colony of Great Britain?" Phil replied "yep, just like this place"

That was Phil all over, mischievous, intelligent, just fun. He was Best Man at my Wedding, I'll miss him, he passed away from Cardiac Amyloidosis which I'm sure many on here will have never heard off.

RIP big fella, you were a true friend.
Click to expand...
My deepest condolences, Hammo.
 
hammocity said:
Used to be called The Robin Hood which was the last pub my mate's (Phil) Dad was Landlord of back in the early 80's. It was Phil's funeral yesterday, he was 70, we gave him a good send off, he was a very gregarious, successful man, people flew from South Africa, Trinidad (where he lived for a few years) and South America for the funeral, big turn out for someone in their 70's.

Just to keep the post on thread, a colleague who still lives in Trinidad did his eulogy. They were in a bar in New York, a gobby yank approached them and said:

"I don't recognise your accent, where are you from". Phil (born and brought up in Ashton) said "Trinidad". It confused the Yank who answered back "isn't that a former colony of Great Britain?" Phil replied "yep, just like this place"

That was Phil all over, mischievous, intelligent, just fun. He was Best Man at my Wedding, I'll miss him, he passed away from Cardiac Amyloidosis which I'm sure many on here will have never heard off.

RIP big fella, you were a true friend.
Click to expand...
Strangely my mate at junior school was called Phillip and his parents ran the Robin Hood but that would be about '73/74 and Phillip would now be 62ish.

As I was speed reading your post yesterday I did think you were talking about my mate from all those years ago.
 
A doctor doing a study on viability asked an 85-year-old man for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, "What happened? Why is the jar empty?”


“Well, doc, it's like this,"
the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing."

“She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, our next-door neighbor and she tried too - first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Not one of us could get the jar open.”
 
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