Joke thread

[bluechippie]

Two lions walking down Blackpool Promenade, one turns round to the other and says "Quiet for a bank holiday!"

 

[Txiki Txiki Bang Bang]

A guy comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "You'll never believe this, Jane! Charlie Williams down at the factory claims he's slept with every woman in town except for one! What a goof!"

His wife shakes her head in disgust. "I bet it's that snooty old Sally Jenkins."

 

[RadcliffeRick]

Two lions walking down Blackpool Promenade, one turns round to the other and says "Quiet for a bank holiday!"

Same two lions later catch and start to eat one of the Clowns from a circus. First lion asked the second lion "does this taste funny to you?"

 

[ChicagoBlue]

Eastern European guy looking for a job sees an opening cleaning the lion cages at the zoo. Does an interview, his English is not too good but they give him the job anyway. They give him a safety briefing about never going in while the two lions are in there, especially during current mating season!

Couple of days later they can’t find him! They realize the worst has probably happened, and that he probably didn’t understand the instructions of staying out of the cage when the mating lions were in there.

So, the zoo has to euthanize both the lions, and sure enough… The Czech was in the male!

 

[MellowJoe]

A man goes into a pub, he goes "Barkeep! 3 shots of bells whisky"
"On the rocks?"
"No ice, we like it neat."
The man downs 2 shots in double quick succession, and gives the third to his pet giraffe. The pet Giraffe drinks his and immediately passes out and collapses to the floor. The man tries to slink away.. Bartender says "You can't leave that lyin 'ere!"
Man says "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

 

[Travellingman]

 

[Dogtanian]

 

[Txiki Txiki Bang Bang]

 

[roman totale]

Eastern European guy looking for a job sees an opening cleaning the lion cages at the zoo. Does an interview, his English is not too good but they give him the job anyway. They give him a safety briefing about never going in while the two lions are in there, especially during current mating season!

Couple of days later they can’t find him! They realize the worst has probably happened, and that he probably didn’t understand the instructions of staying out of the cage when the mating lions were in there.

So, the zoo has to euthanize both the lions, and sure enough… The Czech was in the male!

True story: In the late 80s I was on a National Express coach going from London to Manchester. The bloke next to me had just arrived from Poland to look for work. The coach had a couple of stops en-route, but also had a request-only stop in Sale, if anyone wanted to get off there.
The driver gets on the microphone and says “Anyone on here for Sale?”. The Polish guy turned to me with a face as white as a sheet.

 

[J.G.Blue.]

A young whale was swimming in the ocean with his girlfriend when he spots the whaling ship that harpooned & killed his father, so he says to his girlfriend, look if we both sneak under the ship and shoot air through our blow holes together it will overturn the boat and drown all the men that killed my father,
So they did as he planned & sure enough all the sailors end up in the water but the whale can see some of the men swimming for the shore so he says to his girlfriend I am going over to eat those men to stop them reaching safety will you help but his girlfriend says.....................


"No way, I agreed to the blow job but I am certainly not swallowing any seamen!"