Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

My mate's new girlfriend works at a wine bottling plant...

She’s a corker..

 

[Lavinda Past]

I went out for a walk earlier, big mistake.

I was hit by sausage rolls, quiche, pork pies and coleslaw.

I was buffeted all over the place.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I watched a racehorse called Cardigan win his first race today.

A lovely jumper he was

 

[Lavinda Past]

I used to know how to make little fizzy sweets, but then I forgot.

So I had to go on a Refresher course

 

[Lavinda Past]

Lucy in the sky with diamonds.

Worst Cluedo guess ever.

 

[Lavinda Past]

There's a strange new trend at work.

People are putting names on food in the company fridge.

Today I had a tuna sandwich called Linda

 

[Lavinda Past]

Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.

Paddy says later: "That was great Mick, I wonder how the girls got on?"

 

[Lavinda Past]

Went for an interview at a Blacksmiths

Blacksmith: "Are you any good at shoeing horses?"

"No, I said, but I once told a donkey to piss off"

 

[Lavinda Past]

So i said to the lady in the Ann Summers shop
'I'd like to buy a pair of stockings for the Mrs please'
She said 'sheer?'
I replied... 'No, she's at home'

 

[Lavinda Past]

The Mrs gets annoyed if I mess with her red wine

I added fruit and lemonade to it earlier and now she’s sangria than ever!!

 

[Lavinda Past]

How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?

 

[Lavinda Past]

I called my doctors surgery this morning.

"I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "Everything in my ear is echoing."

"Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"

I said, "Morrow, orrow, row, ow."

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate's wife spent their entire savings on an unsuccessful vaginal reconstruction surgery, and now she hasn't got a bean

 

[Hertzblue]

 

[Lavinda Past]

I've just had a right earful from my missus for constantly playing UB40 songs.

If it happens again 'I'm leaving.

 

[Hertzblue]

 

[Lavinda Past]

"What do we want?"

"Bonnie Tyler lyrics"

"When do we want them?"

"Every now and then...."

 

[Vienna_70]

View attachment 148984

Or, alternatively, I'm too fucking lazy to move my finger 2cm to be courteous to my fellow road users.

 

[Vienna_70]

A rag went for a job.

"Can you perform under pressure?" the interviewer asked him.

"No, but I do a decent version of We Are The Champions."

 

[Brightwell’s left peg]

A rag went for a job.

"Can you perform under pressure?" the interviewer asked him.

"No, but I do a decent version of We Are The Champions."

Must have a good memory.