Joke thread

[jimharri]

Is there more to this as I'm waiting for a punchline

Over to you bud. When you're ready.

 

[Tuearts right boot]

Who?

Viz character

 

[hammocity]

I had my dick in a dwarf who kept laughing. I was told 'you're fucking happy'

@Magicpole got caught rubbing his dick in his wife's winter footwear, he said to her "I was just fucking aboot"

 

[dronefromsector7G]

@Magicpole got caught rubbing his dick in his wife's winter footwear, he said to her "I was just fucking aboot"

I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to Magicpole , "I'm stuck on one, trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M." He said, "Marooned." I said, "Thanks, I'll have a pint of lager then!"

 

[hammocity]

Paddy and Mick grew up together. They decided to head to the UK for the craic and maybe find a bit of work.
After a few weeks Mick got a job as a plumber and Paddy went training in the Army. On one particular day Paddy was up on a plane getting ready for his first solo parachute jump.
"Jump out of the door, shout Geronimo and pull the rip cord" the instructor told him. His turn duly came, he jumped out the door of the plane, shouted Geronimo and pulled the ripcord but his chute didnt open. Pulled it harder but no good.
As he was free falling he saw a bright flash on the ground and something appeared to be approaching him from the ground at speed.
As it approached it appeared to be a man. It was Mick.
"Jaysus Mick, do ya know anything about parachutes?" Paddy shouted.
"Not a bloody thing." Mick replied as they passed each other. "Do you know anything about gas boilers?"

Paddy and Mick are in a pub in Manchester, having a half pint each and skint. A bloke walks in with a lovely ten kilo salmon, he hands it to the landlord who gives him £20, Mick asks "where did you get that from? The fella said there's a steam that runs by the pub and his mate dangles him over a bridge by his legs until he sees a fish, he grabs the prey and his mate drags him back by his legs, easy money.

Mick and Paddy go outside, find a bridge and Mick dangles Paddy over the side. Two hours later, they're still there Mick's arms are killing him, he's knackered and ready to give up, all of a sudden Paddy shouts "Mick, pull me up quick" Mick says, "thank fuck have you caught a fish? Paddy replies "no, there's a fucking train coming straight at me".

 

[Zubrman]

Paddy and Mick are bored. They are sitting in Mick's living room, trying to think of something to do. Paddy says "How much money have you got?" Mick says, "About three quid."

"Great," says Paddy. "We can go to Boots and buy some tampons."

"What the fuck do want to buy them for?" Mick asks.

"I've heard that if you wear these, you can horse riding, swimming, playing volleyball...."

 

[RadcliffeRick]

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.

 

[kippax4ever]

Mods, can you reiterate that the title says
JOKE THREAD...

 

[DrBlueBob]

Paddy and Mick are bored. They are sitting in Mick's living room, trying to think of something to do. Paddy says "How much money have you got?" Mick says, "About three quid."

"Great," says Paddy. "We can go to Boots and buy some tampons."

"What the fuck do want to buy them for?" Mick asks.

"I've heard that if you wear these, you can horse riding, swimming, playing volleyball...."

Dear sir, I have been smoking your products for years but I still can't swim or ride a bike.

 

[RadcliffeRick]

I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it?. Does he hell!