Joke thread

[dronefromsector7G]

I caught the wife masturbating during a Rowan Atkinson movie earlier... She loves a good Bean flick

 

[Big Swifty]

This Mexican says to a friend: "Do you know Pedro?"

His friend says "Do I know Pedro? Listen, we were walking along recently and he pulls out a gun, and says "Drop your trousers". He has the gun, so I drop 'em. He then tells me to shit. I have to obey. He says "Eat your shit". He has the gun, so I eat my shit.

Pedro starts to laugh so much he drops the gun. I pick it up and tell Pedro to drop his pants, have a shit and then eat it. I have the gun now, so Pedro drops his pants, shits and eats it. Now it's my turn to laugh...

And you ask me if I know Pedro? WE HAD LUNCH TOGETHER!

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

The wife suggested that if I was bored during lockdown, to make a bird table.

Now she's kicking off because I've only put her in fifth place.

 

[Ancient Citizen]

Afghanistan president Ashraf Ghani surrendered so quickly he automatically qualifies for French citizenship.

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[lefty goldblatt]

 

[JRockBlues]

I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

 

[Bill Walker]

Love artists..

 

[manchester blue]

Went to a job interview recently, and the interviewer asked about my computer skills.

I'm sorry, I replied, I cant use a computer.

Oh, they said, do you have a disability?

No, I replied, it's one of my bail conditions.

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

 

[balotellishaircut]

Sad news, just broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine, because i was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
But the good news is that, i can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

 

[balotellishaircut]

My wife just said to me,

"can you please explain why iv just found a pair of womens knickers in your coat pocket"

Certainly i replied

"Its because your a nosey cnut".

 

[Big Swifty]

This Mexican says to a friend: "Do you know Pedro?"

His friend says "Do I know Pedro? Listen, we were walking along recently and he pulls out a gun, and says "Drop your trousers". He has the gun, so I drop 'em. He then tells me to shit. I have to obey. He says "Eat your shit". He has the gun, so I eat my shit.

Pedro starts to laugh so much he drops the gun. I pick it up and tell Pedro to drop his pants, have a shit and then eat it. I have the gun now, so Pedro drops his pants, shits and eats it. Now it's my turn to laugh...

And you ask me if I know Pedro? WE HAD LUNCH TOGETHER!

That's brilliant, whoever posted it ...... oh, it was me.

 

[Hayley Croppers chopper]

That's brilliant, whoever posted it ...... oh, it was me.

Really?

 

[balotellishaircut]

That's brilliant, whoever posted it ...... oh, it was me.

Your batshit crazy dude :)

 

[bluemoon32]

 

[Bill Walker]

I went to the pet shop today and said "I want to buy a goldfish?"

The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"

I replied "I don't care what star sign it is."

 

[dickie davies]

I went to the pet shop today and said "I want to buy a goldfish?"

The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"

I replied "I don't care what star sign it is."

You see the search function at the top of this page!
Type in "aquarium" and search this thread

 

[DrBlueBob]

I went to the pet shop today and said "I want to buy a goldfish?"

The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"

I replied "I don't care what star sign it is."

Are you certain that you don't want a Pisces?

 

[Bill Walker]

Are you certain that you don't want a Pisces?

Sounds a bit fishy to me..

 

[DrBlueBob]

Sounds a bit fishy to me..

Two fish in a tank. One says "Any idea how to drive this thing?"