Joke thread

BlueMoonRisin’ said:
Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of the 4 wanted terrorists. Bin Dealin', Bin Snortin' and Bin Robbin'. A spokesman said there's still no sign of Bin Workin'.
Click to expand...

Apparently that cabby involved at the Liverpool women’s hospital was working on the side and claiming benefits......
..……till some fucker blew him up.
 
An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish.. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff......a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.' Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug..
 
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no” the man replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Ah..what should I tell him?” the bartender manages to squeak.
“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”
 
Bill Walker said:
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no” the man replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Ah..what should I tell him?” the bartender manages to squeak.
“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”
Click to expand...
Very funny Bill.
Best joke on this thread for the last few months!!
 
Three couples went to the Lake District for a weekend but didn't have reservations.

They were amazed to find only two rooms left in the whole area and each room had one bed.

They took the rooms & decided to have the three women share one bed & the three men share the other.

In the middle of the night, 1 man got up to leave. Another man asked him, "What are you doing?"

The first man answered, "I'm going to see my wife."

The second man asked, "What do you mean you're going to see your wife?"

The first man said, "I'm going to see my wife,I've got the biggest erection I've ever had."

The second man said, "Well, then, take me with you."

The first man said, "Why should I take you with me?"

The second man answered, "Because you're holding my dick."
 
Bill Walker said:
Three couples went to the Lake District for a weekend but didn't have reservations.

They were amazed to find only two rooms left in the whole area and each room had one bed.

They took the rooms & decided to have the three women share one bed & the three men share the other.

In the middle of the night, 1 man got up to leave. Another man asked him, "What are you doing?"

The first man answered, "I'm going to see my wife."

The second man asked, "What do you mean you're going to see your wife?"

The first man said, "I'm going to see my wife,I've got the biggest erection I've ever had."

The second man said, "Well, then, take me with you."

The first man said, "Why should I take you with me?"

The second man answered, "Because you're holding my dick."
Click to expand...
I just laughed out loud at this.
 
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