Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

It's a well known fact he's still a virgin

Virgin on the ridiculous perhaps ...

Good to know you're all interested in my personal life....

 

[Lavinda Past]

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab. At home, sitting on Swedish furniture, watching American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, skis in France, fancies Swedish birds, and has a Romanian au-pair.

And the most British thing of all?
"Being suspicious of anything Foreign "

 

[Lavinda Past]

"Go and have a look at the size of the shit I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.

"No thanks," she replied.

"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it, it's a good two pounder."

Shaking her head in disbelief, she pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ranout and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."

I said,"It's on the scales!"

 

[TinFoilHat]

It's a well known fact he's still a virgin

"Was"

 

[JASR]

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab. At home, sitting on Swedish furniture, watching American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, skis in France, fancies Swedish birds, and has a Romanian au-pair.

And the most British thing of all?
"Being suspicious of anything Foreign "

You missed off the polish builder, and the unspecified Eastern European Gardner.

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[LWashington]

The cheque is in the post...

I hope he was wearing his protective headgear because that must have been some thunderbastard by Rodri.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Little Johnny went for an aptitude test:

Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : Let's try this another way. If Igive you two bottles of beer, and twobottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Little Johnny : SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Little Johnny: I've already got one rabbit at home!

 

[Lavinda Past]

A noted psychiatrist invited questions from the audience at a seminar in Dublin.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Paddy asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."

"What sort of question would you ask Doctor?"

"Well, you might ask them... Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?"

Paddy thought for a moment, then said

"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you...? I don't know much about history."

 

[Lavinda Past]

A bloke goes Royal Mail for a job interview.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the armed forces?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points! Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?"


"This is the Royal Mail," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls, so there's no point in you coming in for that."

 

[Lavinda Past]

"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary..." the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a bare finger right up the rectum of the body on the table... "You mustn't be squeamish."

He removed his finger and then stuck it straight into his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do exactly the same.

Twenty students followed his instructions, stuck their fingers in right up to the knuckle, and then stuck the finger in their mouth.

The teacher said, "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is very close attention to detail...

I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger."

The class was horrified. Some of them threw up.

"The third thing you should know," said the man lying on the table, "Is that I'm not dead."

 

[Lavinda Past]

There is a horrible crash on the M62 and 50 scousers are killed in a bus.

All 50 of them are sent up to heaven and are outside the golden gates where they are met by Saint Peter.

"Can we come in?" one of the scousers asks.

Saint Peter has a look through the long list of sins they've committed and grimaces.

"You all seem to have caused a lot of hassle in your lives... This is far too big for me to decide" says Saint Peter, and he turns around and walks to God for his answer,

"What is it you want" God asks.

"There are 50 scousers outside the golden gates trying to get in, should I let them in or not?" asks Peter

Gid replies, "I forgive them all, they are all my children and I will let them stay in the holy land"

With that, Peter goes back to tell the 50 scousers.

As God looks on, he sees Peter come sprinting back towards him, screaming.

"They're gone, they're gone" he shrieked

"The travelers?" God asked

"No, the golden gates!" says Peter.

 

[citizen_maine]

There is a horrible crash on the M62 and 50 scousers are killed in a bus.

All 50 of them are sent up to heaven and are outside the golden gates where they are met by Saint Peter.

"Can we come in?" one of the scousers asks.

Saint Peter has a look through the long list of sins they've committed and grimaces.

"You all seem to have caused a lot of hassle in your lives... This is far too big for me to decide" says Saint Peter, and he turns around and walks to God for his answer,

"What is it you want" God asks.

"There are 50 scousers outside the golden gates trying to get in, should I let them in or not?" asks Peter

Gid replies, "I forgive them all, they are all my children and I will let them stay in the holy land"

With that, Peter goes back to tell the 50 scousers.

As God looks on, he sees Peter come sprinting back towards him, screaming.

"They're gone, they're gone" he shrieked

"The travelers?" God asked

"No, the golden gates!" says Peter.

The first line was the only funny bit

 

[Lavinda Past]

The first line was the only funny bit

Thanks for the feedback. Good to hear you found it partly amusing.

 

[mancity2012_eamo]

A noted psychiatrist invited questions from the audience at a seminar in Dublin.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Paddy asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."

"What sort of question would you ask Doctor?"

"Well, you might ask them... Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?"

Paddy thought for a moment, then said

"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you...? I don't know much about history."

That fecker Paddy, keeps turning up in here.
Do you know where he’s from. Doesn’t sound like a local.

 

[Sheriff Fatman]

There is a horrible crash on the M62 and 50 scousers are killed in a bus.

All 50 of them are sent up to heaven and are outside the golden gates where they are met by Saint Peter.

"Can we come in?" one of the scousers asks.

Saint Peter has a look through the long list of sins they've committed and grimaces.

"You all seem to have caused a lot of hassle in your lives... This is far too big for me to decide" says Saint Peter, and he turns around and walks to God for his answer,

"What is it you want" God asks.

"There are 50 scousers outside the golden gates trying to get in, should I let them in or not?" asks Peter

Gid replies, "I forgive them all, they are all my children and I will let them stay in the holy land"

With that, Peter goes back to tell the 50 scousers.

As God looks on, he sees Peter come sprinting back towards him, screaming.

"They're gone, they're gone" he shrieked

"The travelers?" God asked

"No, the golden gates!" says Peter.

That upset me.

Apparently it was a 53 seater bus and there were 3 empty seats.

 

[Lavinda Past]

That upset me.

Apparently it was a 53 seater bus and there were 3 empty seats.

Those would have been the seats where all scouse coach companies have to keep an emergency supply of candles in case they need to have a mid-journey vigil.

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]