Joke thread

Lavinda Past said:
I went to a new restaurant and when I sat down for dinner, the waiter said, “Would you like to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes please”

The waiter responded: "Today is special."
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When I was a postman, if handed customers their mail (I only did that, if I knew them), and they said, "I hope it’s not bills," I’d reply, "No, Bill's just had his".
 
Lavinda Past said:
Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially if you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite!"

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
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you see? you can do it if you really try
 
A piece of string walks into a bar. Barman says sorry we don't serve string in here.

Same again the next day, string walks into the bar but the same barman tells him to leave, we don't serve string in here.

Third day the same piece of string ruffles his hair about, walks into the bar. Barman says "are you that fucking piece of string again". String says "no, I'm afraid not".
 
ayrshire_blue said:
A piece of string walks into a bar. Barman says sorry we don't serve string in here.

Same again the next day, string walks into the bar but the same barman tells him to leave, we don't serve string in here.

Third day the same piece of string ruffles his hair about, walks into the bar. Barman says "are you that fucking piece of string again". String says "no, I'm afraid not".
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Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
 
Seamus was about to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer (Paddy) approached and asked if he could join him. Seamus said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes.Paddy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for £5.00 a hole?"
Seamus said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed.
Paddy easily won the remaining 16 holes. They walked off number eighteen while Paddy counted his £80.00. He then confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and “liked to pick on suckers.”
Seamus, shocked, revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
Paddy the pro was flustered and apologetic and offered to return the money.
Seamus replied, "You won fair and square I was foolish to bet with you. Keep your winnings."
An embarrassed Paddy asked, "Please, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
Seamus replied, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along I'll marry them.
 
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