Joke thread

Lavinda Past said:
My granddad used to circumcise elephants for the circus.

He said the job was tough, but the tips were huge.
Click to expand...
What about the Rabbi who kept all the tips after circumcisions.
After a while he had a lovely wallet made from them all.
On the plus side if he rubbed the wallet it turned into a briefcase.
 
Little Johnny was sitting in class when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None.", replied Johnny,"cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"
 
A new priest is starting his first day at church. He's been assigned to confessions. The bishop hands him a chart with various sins and the appropriate punishment. "Just follow this. You'll do fine," he says and leaves.

The first person comes in sits down in the confessional. "Father, I have sinned. I stole £20 from my neighbor." The priest looks down the chart and sees "stealing". "Just say 10 Hail Marys. Next."

The second person comes in. "Father, I have sinned. I committed adultery." The priest finds "adultery" on the chart. "25 Hail Marys. Next."

A young woman comes in. "Father, I have sinned. I performed oral sex on someone." The priest looks at the chart. He sees nothing on it for fellatio. He ducks his head out of the confessional and yells down the hallway, "Hey! What do you get for oral sex?"

An altar boy yells back, "Milk and cookies!"
 
Last edited:
A company hired a new CEO, Richard, hoping that he would benefit the company by improving the overall operations.

On the first day, Richard decided to identify and get rid of all the slackers. He left his office to take a tour of the facilities and noticed a young man leaning against a wall.

Richard knew what he had to do next. He took this as an opportunity to show all the employees that he had no place in the company for lazy people like this guy.

So, he walked up to the guy and asked, "How much money do you make in a week?"

"£200, sir," the guy replied. "Why?"

At that point, everyone in the office was already looking at Richard. He slid his hand into his pocket and took out his wallet.

"Here's a week's pay," he said while handing him £200. "Now get out and don't return! This place is not for people like you!"

Richard felt great about having fired someone. Once the guy left, Richard turned toward the employees and asked, "Can anyone tell me what the slacker did here?"

That's when a senior employee said, "Sir, that was the pizza delivery guy."
 
Two business partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married.

Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.

“So what did you think?” he asks.

“Ahh,” replies the first lawyer, “my wife is better.”

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary.

“So,” asks the first guy, “what did you think?”

The second guy replies, “You were right.”
 
Lavinda Past said:
View attachment 129970
Click to expand...
There's a mum and daughter who sit in front me at the match
Last September the girl was getting married and a couple of weeks before the big day when I was chatting to her, she said that her boyfriend was in Benidorm on his stag doo with his mates and they'd hired a dwarf in a gimp suit for the day
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Unread Posts

Don't have an account? Register now and see fewer ads!

SIGN UP
Back
Top