Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

My mate tried to make a square but ended up with an dodecahedron.

That’s what happens when you cut corners.

 

[Lavinda Past]

l'll never forget the night when I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees crumble, had butterflies in my stomach, and my heart was beating like mad.......

That's when I realised that I had spiked the wrong drink.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I called the number on a missing cat poster today and said, "I think I've just found your cat Thomas."

"Really?" screamed the owner, "Is he white?"

"Yes."

"Brilliant, are his two front paws black?"

"Yes."

"Oh my god, does he have a black tip on the end of his tail?"

"Yes."

"Wooohooo! And he's wearing a yellow collar?"

"A yellow collar?" I said, "No, this cat hasn't got a head."

 

[Lavinda Past]

There's a blonde on the top deck of a London bus wearing a short skirt and no knickers, she shouts down to the conductor :
"Is this Ealing?"

The conductor looks up and says
"From where I'm standing it looks like it could do with three or four more stitches!"

 

[Lavinda Past]

I answered the phone today and a man said, "Is that 555 double 55?"

"Yes it is." I replied.

"Can you do me a favour," he asked, "can you dial 999 and tell them I've got my finger stuck on 5?"

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate's girlfriend wanted him to buy her a Siamese cat.

I told him that they are really expensive.

So he bought two normal cats and superglued their heads together.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I've just been down my garden and saw a dog humping a cabbage...

The silly bastard probably thought it was a collie.

 

[goalmole]

View attachment 133432

Otherwise known as the Sick Swan

 

[goalmole]

View attachment 133450

I'm not falling for that.

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Big Swifty]

I called the number on a missing cat poster today and said, "I think I've just found your cat Thomas."

"Really?" screamed the owner, "Is he white?"

"Yes."

"Brilliant, are his two front paws black?"

"Yes."

"Oh my god, does he have a black tip on the end of his tail?"

"Yes."

"Wooohooo! And he's wearing a yellow collar?"

"A yellow collar?" I said, "No, this cat hasn't got a head."

You sick bastard

 

[Lavinda Past]

I've been paying £2 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year.....

I missed two payments and they've just been round and broken my cat’s legs....

 

[Lavinda Past]

I went to a party thrown by the RNLI.

They certainly know how to push the boat out.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I met my wife at a 'Singles Night'

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

 

[Lavinda Past]

I found a long piece of leather with a loop on the end ..

I took it to the police station and the desk sergeant thought it might be a lead.