"Sucking Off Donkeys!
A sensational allegation made today in the uk press, levelled at migelle delany claimed that his big mouth could have been the result of various atrocities that he committed over a period of months several years ago.
With the diameter of his mouth being approximately equal to the girth of a donkey penis, if it is shown that residue from his lips matches with asinine DNA then the logical conclusion would be that he had been sucking these animals off - a grave and heinous act which is not just morally repugnant, but also illegal under British law.
When challenged over the 115 separate allegations, his refusal to provide evidence merely heaps suspicion upon his laughable claims of innocence. If found guilty of such misdemeanours, judges wouldvlikely throw the book at him, as having a larger mouth could have also given him unfair advantage in a very competitive field of who can make the loudest and most outrageous claims."