Don’t know if this is the right thread, and I’ve no one to talk to about this, and it’s a bit of a ramble probably.
I’m an older dad, my son is 12 and completely off the rails. He has been difficult since a traumatic birth, his mother then had very bad post natal depression, and struggled to breast feed him and care for him, though she did her best, whilst also looking after our daughter. Each year we thought he’d mature a little, and his behaviour would improve, but he hasn’t. We divorced a few years ago. He spends his time between both houses, but mostly stays at mine. He has been assessed for autism, but scored very low, though the autism team said there is something, but they don’t know what. We are awaiting results from his ADHD assessment.
We saw the educational psychologist at school last week, and should have an EHCP in place soon, we have waited years for it. He is on a 16 week plan at school, and is failing it and in all likelihood will be permanently excluded this term.
He can be violent towards staff and students, his language is appalling, and he recently battered his mum. She is no longer physically able to control him, he is stronger than her and will just force his way out of the house. He kicked a girl in the face because she got ketchup on his coat. He has been involved in numerous physical assaults on other students at school. He is a bully. The police have been round numerous times. I can still manage him, but I know it’s only a matter of time before he physically assaults me. I have had to pin him down on his bed to calm him down before now as he has been in such a rage. He has called Childline on me, though they saw through it, and my daughter was here as well, she knew he was making stuff up.
He has verbally abused me tonight, called me every name under the sun, a ****, a fat old bastard, paedophile, go kill yourself etc, really bad stuff. I lost it with him and called him stuff back, I shouldn’t have done but I’ve had 12 years of it and can’t take much more. There are times when I just want him gone from my house, my life. He is regularly suspended from school, and removed from lessons, runs down the corridor kicking doors and disturbing other lessons. He hasn’t learned anything academically this school year. He was bad at primary school, but we thought high school would be a new start. It’s been an abject failure. He refuses point blank to do his homework and gets detention after detention. He does little or no work in class, either just rests his head on the desk, or deliberately gets himself thrown out of class. The head of year has really tried with him, but only the other week he told her to “fuck off you fat bitch” amongst other things. He called a female teacher a kiddy fiddler last week. He has an LSA with him all the time. He knows he is on his way out of school but isn’t phased at all.
He has no joy in him, doesn’t smile or laugh much, and I don’t enjoy spending time with him these days. I took him to Wembley yesterday, and a mate of mine who was sat a few rows behind us, came over to him at the end of the match and said you don’t get excited by football these days. He was playing football at quite a high level but just gave up earlier this year and hasn’t kicked a ball since. He seems drawn to trouble and bad behaviour. I caught him vaping in bed. He steals money from his mum.
I know his mum struggles to handle him, and I’m getting the same way. I just don’t think this situation is good for any of us, especially him. CAHMS, MASH, and social services are involved but everything is so slow and nothing is working.
I can only see a really bleak future for him. I have put so much effort into him, we used to do everything together, often at the expense of spending time with my daughter, but we don’t have any real relationship now. I feel I’ve failed as a dad, but have been pushed to my limits and can’t do anymore for him.
If things don’t improve I don’t think I can go on like this, my work is suffering, I don’t eat properly, I don’t do much of anything really, it’s just a constant worry. He isn’t interested in anything, has no hobbies. He’s only a boy, just 12 years old, but his future looks so bleak, and I don’t think I can do anything to help. It’s a nightmare, day after day I get calls from school asking me to come and get him as he has done something bad, and I have to leave work and go and collect him. He never apologises, has no remorse, nor empathy for anyone. I know I’m failing him, I’ve tried so hard. I don’t know what to do anymore to help him and stop him spiralling down this path he is on. If I try to talk to him he literally covers his ears and shouts until I give up. Me and his mother are unable to talk about it as it just ends up a shouting match.
Apologies for the rant, but there’s no one I can talk to about this.
