Many years ago as a shy awkward teenager I had the job of welcoming friends relatives and neighbours to our house as it was a big piss up for mam and dads 25th wedding anniversary, I was absolutely dreading it for weeks but wanted to help. Come the day of the party I got more and more nervous, parents started early on the booze so did,nt think they'd notice if I downed a couple of my dads home brew, I knew they were,nt quite ready as he,d put them in a cupboard under the stairs, but Hey ho pinched my nose and drank em quick... They had the desired effect, I was the best doorman ever ! When most guests had arrived, I circulated slightly tipsy but very happy, thought i,d try another drink, I couldnt be seen with a pint or a can in my hand so thought i,d nick a whisky and top it with coke, worked a treat, then another and another... the world started swimming I was seeing double (literally) and knew I was going to be sick, we only had one bog and i headed for the stairs, ohhh shit there was a queue, only by this time the sediment from the home brew had hit my bowels and I was desperate from both ends, in my befuddled state I staggered into the garden thinking a rose bush or tree would have to do..... it was like blackpool illuminations, dad had strung lights up and there was a fire going and plenty of guests outside patting me on the back telling me "how i,d grown" since they'd last seen me... I was absolutely shitfaced and in pain for a shit and needed to throw up....... then through the watering eyes i saw the caravan on the drive that dad used as a kind of tool shed, knew it had a toilet, staggered over and went in..... why why why had dad put a padlock on the toilet door ?? It was dark i was confused banging off the walls and at the end of my tether, groping around in the dark my hands felt the edge of the sink and i spewed for england and the Queen into it, the retching and stomach cramps then put pressure on my arse and i went for the double, in the gloom i dropped my trolleys and arms either side of me perched over the sink, meat n 2 veg swinging in the wind bowels emptying at mach 5........ then the lights came on ! I looked up through bleary tear stained eyes at my older sister who started screaming then the guests arrived ! The rest is history
