Joke thread

[bluemc1]

The doctor is doing his hospital round, and comes to one bed, and says to the patient: "How are you today, Mr Smith/"
Smith replies "Well, doctor, I feel really bloated - I haven't had a bowel movement for a week."
The doctor says: "Don't worry, Mr Smith, we've got a new laxative that moves the stodgiest bowels. Nurse, give Mr Smith this dose", and scribbles the details on a piece of paper
Unfortunately, the nurse is short-sighted, misreads the decimal point and gives the patient ten times the required dosage.
Later that day, the doctor passes Smith's bed and says cheerfully: "Now then Mr Smith, how are the bowels? Have we managed to move you yet?"
Smith replies: "I wish some bugger would move me....my bed's full of shit."

Never posted about a joke on here before but that has to be one of the worst jokes ever, sorry mate

 

[Bewar3them00n]

Go on then. I’m listening.

Are you being ionic?

 

[Bewar3them00n]

The man who said City were founded in 2008



Yep, A Grade one clown !

Fucking deluded, your manager is a narcissist of the Nth degree order, with an ego so damaged, it makes Cantona’s seagull speech sound like idle chit chat.

 

[talkativesprout]

Are you being ionic?

you're attractive

 

[taleofbluehalves]

It is a little known fact that the Bermuda Triangle used to be called the Bermuda Rectangle. Until one side mysteriously disappeared.

 

[yeseye]

I just rang Alcohol Concern. Told them I was worried I didn't have enough beer in the fridge. They're quite rude, aren't they?

 

[taleofbluehalves]

I said to the pet shop owner "I want a taller stand for my parrot but I haven't much money. Can I get one and pay it off monthly?"
"We don't do higher perches", he replied.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I’ve finally been diagnosed with agoraphobia.

Get in!

 

[Ancient Citizen]

I’ve finally been diagnosed with agoraphobia.

Get in!

Quality!

 

[jimharri]

A foursome of men at the Golf Course are waiting, while a foursome of women are hitting off from the Tee.

The ladies are taking their time and, when finally, the last one is ready to hit the ball, she hacks it about 10 feet.

She then goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet.

She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically

"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this past winter didn't help".

One of the men immediately replies;




"Now, there's your problem lady. You should have taken GOLF lessons instead".


Here all week, I am.