Anti depressants..

[Nebuchadnezzar]

Although I never purposely seek out this thread I always pop in for a read whenever it appears in new posts section, not sure what I'm expecting to find but it proves, to me, that I'm at least looking for something. Been in some sort of state for a good few years now, probably about 10yrs if truth be told, I did approach my GP about 4 or 5 yrs ago, was given Sertraline but they just fucked with my head, I know that's what they're supposed to do but I really didn't like the feelings, so I popped them in the bin after a few weeks and decided to plough on, never went back to docs as I didn't feel any sort of rapport to be able to open up there.

Not even sure why I've decided to post today, except that I'm feeling lower than usual this morning, shame really as I had a great day yesterday, one of my best in ages, was on a stag do and caught up with some old faces I'd not seen in years, mainly due to my reluctance to bother stepping out of the door to socialise, I've got a beautiful wife who is one of the most positive and supportive people imaginable, but I'm just draining that positivity out of her, there's only so much anyone can take I suppose.

I wouldn't class myself as suicidal but do often think how much better her life would be if I dropped dead, obviously it would be rough for her initially but she's 12yrs younger than me and would soon recover and get on with her life. Yesterday while waiting for the train they announced that one was coming through but not stopping and to stand back from the platform etc, I watched it approaching, a big fuck off goods train hammering along, not saying I wanted to jump, it was on the other side of the tracks anyway so it would have required a massive leap to have got in front of it, also I could see the driver and instantaneously thought what a twats trick it would be to do such a thing to a bloke just going about his job, so no worries, jumping in front of a train quickly got scratched.

What's getting to me this morning is the fact that such an awful thought momentarily entered my head, I could actually see why people choose this way, there's no second chance once you go that route, it takes one second and you're gone forever, no pain etc, except of course for the poor driver and the fellas who have to scrape you up.

Anyway, I carried on with the day, met up with everyone and it was brilliant, wife picked me up from the station later and had got some nice food ready but I didn't eat any of it and just went to bed, typical of me, just shunning the kind gesture with no thought for her.

The point of my post, well I think it's about time I revisited the notion of some sort of treatment, not sure if that would be meds, I'm an old school bloke, I think I'm tough enough to not require meds but the reality is I need some help, talking to the right person seems favourable but what are the chances of me being allocated the 'right' person, I did speak with a counsellor when I was given the Sertraline but there was absolutely no rapport with them, not their fault but if it's not there I'm not going to open up. I even know what I have to talk about to even begin to get through this, stuff that I've done in the past, nothing illegal but stuff that makes me not a very nice person.

Anyway, apologies for going a little off topic but I just felt like spilling a little, I just feel there are others in this thread who will maybe see a little of their own issues in what I've written and they may just have a snippet of advice that will send me in the right direction.

Sorry for the train episode, I've just read it back and it's gruesome but if I delete it then I'm not being honest, I do know enough to know that if you aren't honest then you really can't begin to get better. Not necessarily looking for help from here but you never know, someone may just have something to say that will resonate and get me moving forwards before I drive my wife away forever.

I should add for clarity, I suffered a sub-arrachnoid haemorrhage in 2010, was very lucky to recover from 7hrs surgery fully intact, although there must be fallout from that I can't really blame it for my current dilemmas, I mean I'm still the same fella, I look the same, if a little older.

Thanks anyway.

Thank you for sharing. Brave post.

To me there is nothing more intriguing than the human character. We all have our moments and our ways but its how we deal with them that matters. A thought is exactly what it says on the tin - a thought.

 

[BlueMoonRisin’]

Although I never purposely seek out this thread I always pop in for a read whenever it appears in new posts section, not sure what I'm expecting to find but it proves, to me, that I'm at least looking for something. Been in some sort of state for a good few years now, probably about 10yrs if truth be told, I did approach my GP about 4 or 5 yrs ago, was given Sertraline but they just fucked with my head, I know that's what they're supposed to do but I really didn't like the feelings, so I popped them in the bin after a few weeks and decided to plough on, never went back to docs as I didn't feel any sort of rapport to be able to open up there.

Not even sure why I've decided to post today, except that I'm feeling lower than usual this morning, shame really as I had a great day yesterday, one of my best in ages, was on a stag do and caught up with some old faces I'd not seen in years, mainly due to my reluctance to bother stepping out of the door to socialise, I've got a beautiful wife who is one of the most positive and supportive people imaginable, but I'm just draining that positivity out of her, there's only so much anyone can take I suppose.

I wouldn't class myself as suicidal but do often think how much better her life would be if I dropped dead, obviously it would be rough for her initially but she's 12yrs younger than me and would soon recover and get on with her life. Yesterday while waiting for the train they announced that one was coming through but not stopping and to stand back from the platform etc, I watched it approaching, a big fuck off goods train hammering along, not saying I wanted to jump, it was on the other side of the tracks anyway so it would have required a massive leap to have got in front of it, also I could see the driver and instantaneously thought what a twats trick it would be to do such a thing to a bloke just going about his job, so no worries, jumping in front of a train quickly got scratched.

What's getting to me this morning is the fact that such an awful thought momentarily entered my head, I could actually see why people choose this way, there's no second chance once you go that route, it takes one second and you're gone forever, no pain etc, except of course for the poor driver and the fellas who have to scrape you up.

Anyway, I carried on with the day, met up with everyone and it was brilliant, wife picked me up from the station later and had got some nice food ready but I didn't eat any of it and just went to bed, typical of me, just shunning the kind gesture with no thought for her.

The point of my post, well I think it's about time I revisited the notion of some sort of treatment, not sure if that would be meds, I'm an old school bloke, I think I'm tough enough to not require meds but the reality is I need some help, talking to the right person seems favourable but what are the chances of me being allocated the 'right' person, I did speak with a counsellor when I was given the Sertraline but there was absolutely no rapport with them, not their fault but if it's not there I'm not going to open up. I even know what I have to talk about to even begin to get through this, stuff that I've done in the past, nothing illegal but stuff that makes me not a very nice person.

Anyway, apologies for going a little off topic but I just felt like spilling a little, I just feel there are others in this thread who will maybe see a little of their own issues in what I've written and they may just have a snippet of advice that will send me in the right direction.

Sorry for the train episode, I've just read it back and it's gruesome but if I delete it then I'm not being honest, I do know enough to know that if you aren't honest then you really can't begin to get better. Not necessarily looking for help from here but you never know, someone may just have something to say that will resonate and get me moving forwards before I drive my wife away forever.

I should add for clarity, I suffered a sub-arrachnoid haemorrhage in 2010, was very lucky to recover from 7hrs surgery fully intact, although there must be fallout from that I can't really blame it for my current dilemmas, I mean I'm still the same fella, I look the same, if a little older.

Thanks anyway.

Really good honest post mate, not easy to open one's heart on a forum for fear of feeling weak vulnerable and embarrassed. Don't be! And I cannot stress that enough. I've recently been teetering on the slippery pit of depression that i am familiar with through experience, (read back my posts) and just finished taking Sertraline. I think they helped initially after kicking in, but the side effects of tiredness, lack of energy and labido had me ending the course of taking them early. My future Mrs BMR has not had it easy, especially before I explained how i was feeling, it wasn't easy to open my heart to her. Now she is fine and fully supportive.

One thing I think is very important is do not let your innermost feelings well up or you can and may possibly explode into a gibbering wreck. I've been there mate, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

You haven't mentioned what your underlying problems are, and that's fine, but counsellors are there to help and you can talk to them in 100% confidentiality. When I split from my ex wife in 04, I refused counselling putting on a brave face to my doctor, but I regret not having counseling, but hindsight is a wonderful thing but doesn't help at the time.

Also, from my own personal experience of being an alcoholic, (wasn't diagnosed as one) alcohol is a depressant and it just masks your feelings at that time of being under the influence. Sobering up is a lot different. Sorry, you probably know this, but my point is I am the master of alcohol nowadays, not the slave I once was.

There has been some really good advice on here that has helped me, and I thank everyone who has contributed with their posts on this thread.

A good friend I've met from Bluemoon @snorky was in a very dark place just over a year ago, and I helped him pull through. Maybe he will come on and tell his own tale, not for me to say.

I hope this thread helps, good luck and chin up: )

 

[kaz7]

Although I never purposely seek out this thread I always pop in for a read whenever it appears in new posts section, not sure what I'm expecting to find but it proves, to me, that I'm at least looking for something. Been in some sort of state for a good few years now, probably about 10yrs if truth be told, I did approach my GP about 4 or 5 yrs ago, was given Sertraline but they just fucked with my head, I know that's what they're supposed to do but I really didn't like the feelings, so I popped them in the bin after a few weeks and decided to plough on, never went back to docs as I didn't feel any sort of rapport to be able to open up there.

Not even sure why I've decided to post today, except that I'm feeling lower than usual this morning, shame really as I had a great day yesterday, one of my best in ages, was on a stag do and caught up with some old faces I'd not seen in years, mainly due to my reluctance to bother stepping out of the door to socialise, I've got a beautiful wife who is one of the most positive and supportive people imaginable, but I'm just draining that positivity out of her, there's only so much anyone can take I suppose.

I wouldn't class myself as suicidal but do often think how much better her life would be if I dropped dead, obviously it would be rough for her initially but she's 12yrs younger than me and would soon recover and get on with her life. Yesterday while waiting for the train they announced that one was coming through but not stopping and to stand back from the platform etc, I watched it approaching, a big fuck off goods train hammering along, not saying I wanted to jump, it was on the other side of the tracks anyway so it would have required a massive leap to have got in front of it, also I could see the driver and instantaneously thought what a twats trick it would be to do such a thing to a bloke just going about his job, so no worries, jumping in front of a train quickly got scratched.

What's getting to me this morning is the fact that such an awful thought momentarily entered my head, I could actually see why people choose this way, there's no second chance once you go that route, it takes one second and you're gone forever, no pain etc, except of course for the poor driver and the fellas who have to scrape you up.

Anyway, I carried on with the day, met up with everyone and it was brilliant, wife picked me up from the station later and had got some nice food ready but I didn't eat any of it and just went to bed, typical of me, just shunning the kind gesture with no thought for her.

The point of my post, well I think it's about time I revisited the notion of some sort of treatment, not sure if that would be meds, I'm an old school bloke, I think I'm tough enough to not require meds but the reality is I need some help, talking to the right person seems favourable but what are the chances of me being allocated the 'right' person, I did speak with a counsellor when I was given the Sertraline but there was absolutely no rapport with them, not their fault but if it's not there I'm not going to open up. I even know what I have to talk about to even begin to get through this, stuff that I've done in the past, nothing illegal but stuff that makes me not a very nice person.

Anyway, apologies for going a little off topic but I just felt like spilling a little, I just feel there are others in this thread who will maybe see a little of their own issues in what I've written and they may just have a snippet of advice that will send me in the right direction.

Sorry for the train episode, I've just read it back and it's gruesome but if I delete it then I'm not being honest, I do know enough to know that if you aren't honest then you really can't begin to get better. Not necessarily looking for help from here but you never know, someone may just have something to say that will resonate and get me moving forwards before I drive my wife away forever.

I should add for clarity, I suffered a sub-arrachnoid haemorrhage in 2010, was very lucky to recover from 7hrs surgery fully intact, although there must be fallout from that I can't really blame it for my current dilemmas, I mean I'm still the same fella, I look the same, if a little older.

Thanks anyway.

A really honest post,first step i would say is go back to a doctor,you might find a lady dr easier to talk to,treatments have moved on although that may not be the path for you but go and talk at least.I had a brain injury and it does mess about with your brain so i wouldn't discount that as maybe the start of your current dilema,one thing is for sure you need to go and get assessed and go from there,keep coming in here and talking x

 

[bluesteel]

Although I never purposely seek out this thread I always pop in for a read whenever it appears in new posts section, not sure what I'm expecting to find but it proves, to me, that I'm at least looking for something. Been in some sort of state for a good few years now, probably about 10yrs if truth be told, I did approach my GP about 4 or 5 yrs ago, was given Sertraline but they just fucked with my head, I know that's what they're supposed to do but I really didn't like the feelings, so I popped them in the bin after a few weeks and decided to plough on, never went back to docs as I didn't feel any sort of rapport to be able to open up there.

Not even sure why I've decided to post today, except that I'm feeling lower than usual this morning, shame really as I had a great day yesterday, one of my best in ages, was on a stag do and caught up with some old faces I'd not seen in years, mainly due to my reluctance to bother stepping out of the door to socialise, I've got a beautiful wife who is one of the most positive and supportive people imaginable, but I'm just draining that positivity out of her, there's only so much anyone can take I suppose.

I wouldn't class myself as suicidal but do often think how much better her life would be if I dropped dead, obviously it would be rough for her initially but she's 12yrs younger than me and would soon recover and get on with her life. Yesterday while waiting for the train they announced that one was coming through but not stopping and to stand back from the platform etc, I watched it approaching, a big fuck off goods train hammering along, not saying I wanted to jump, it was on the other side of the tracks anyway so it would have required a massive leap to have got in front of it, also I could see the driver and instantaneously thought what a twats trick it would be to do such a thing to a bloke just going about his job, so no worries, jumping in front of a train quickly got scratched.

What's getting to me this morning is the fact that such an awful thought momentarily entered my head, I could actually see why people choose this way, there's no second chance once you go that route, it takes one second and you're gone forever, no pain etc, except of course for the poor driver and the fellas who have to scrape you up.

Anyway, I carried on with the day, met up with everyone and it was brilliant, wife picked me up from the station later and had got some nice food ready but I didn't eat any of it and just went to bed, typical of me, just shunning the kind gesture with no thought for her.

The point of my post, well I think it's about time I revisited the notion of some sort of treatment, not sure if that would be meds, I'm an old school bloke, I think I'm tough enough to not require meds but the reality is I need some help, talking to the right person seems favourable but what are the chances of me being allocated the 'right' person, I did speak with a counsellor when I was given the Sertraline but there was absolutely no rapport with them, not their fault but if it's not there I'm not going to open up. I even know what I have to talk about to even begin to get through this, stuff that I've done in the past, nothing illegal but stuff that makes me not a very nice person.

Anyway, apologies for going a little off topic but I just felt like spilling a little, I just feel there are others in this thread who will maybe see a little of their own issues in what I've written and they may just have a snippet of advice that will send me in the right direction.

Sorry for the train episode, I've just read it back and it's gruesome but if I delete it then I'm not being honest, I do know enough to know that if you aren't honest then you really can't begin to get better. Not necessarily looking for help from here but you never know, someone may just have something to say that will resonate and get me moving forwards before I drive my wife away forever.

I should add for clarity, I suffered a sub-arrachnoid haemorrhage in 2010, was very lucky to recover from 7hrs surgery fully intact, although there must be fallout from that I can't really blame it for my current dilemmas, I mean I'm still the same fella, I look the same, if a little older.

Thanks anyway.

Read about 5HTP and vitamin B6/B12, I've read a lot of people say it's better than anti depressants and there are also no side effects. You produce it naturally, worth taking a look, try and cut down alcohol too and don't worry about the thoughts, everyone has thoughts, it's actions and the deciding not to do things which are important. Maybe look at at NLP too. Sorry this reply is rushed.

 

[nw42]

Thanks all for the replies, very much appreciated.

Well after I'd posted I thought I'd walk and get my car from near the station I'd left from yesterday, it's only 2.5miles and I thought the fresh air would do me good.
Anyway, you can guess the rest, the fucking cars gone, so I've walked 5 miles for nothing, just about sums my life up at the moment, no doubt another £100 to get it out of the pound. There was a 10-11am no parking sign but I had forgotten about it as my plan was to get a lift with my wife when she went to work at 8 this morning, being the angel she is and not knowing of my plans she slipped away quietly this morning so as to let me have a nice lie-in, ah well....

A couple of you mentioned the drinking, not a problem for me fortunately, before yesterday I hadn't had a drink for at least a couple of months, my problem has been the weed, up until about a month ago I'd used regularly, no, daily for around 35 years but I knocked it on the head and can't say I'm missing it, again I know this can have just as much effect as alcohol, so I do appreciate that everything I'm going through is 100% self inflicted, doesn't make it any less difficult though.

BMR, you mentioned the underlying reasons, I assume you mean why do I think I'm not a decent person, well in 2006 I walked away from a 15year relationship, marriage in everything but name, I'd tried 2 years before but had ended up going back because I couldn't bear to see the pain I was inflicting on her, she literally fell apart and became quite poorly. I lost my mum at the same time, this loss coupled with seeing someone for whom I cared deeply turning into a complete mess was more than I could cope with, so I took the easy quick fix route and went back, all the time knowing that I wanted away.
When I did make the break in 06 it was even more horrendous, I'd met someone else, my current wife, we were totally besotted and I knew this was going to be my only chance of finding true happiness, one life, one shot and all that, so I did it, more pain dished out by me, what got me through the initial few months was to keep telling myself I'm a decent human being, I left a house with no mortgage, everything we had was now all hers, somehow it seemed the decent thing and I've never been materialistic anyway, no kids btw, fuck knows how I'd have coped with that on top of the other stuff.
About 6mths after I left my ex was attacked while out walking the dog, it was a Saturday teatime in Spring, broad daylight, she was dragged into bushes by a youth, he smashed her in the head with a rock to try and immobilise her, no doubting his intentions. The dog, a lurcher, was prone to running off ahead but never too far, luckily he came back to her and dived straight in to back the youth off, she struggled back to the car where she'd left her phone, police got the helicopter up and they caught the little fucker within 30 mins.
She was hospitalised with head injuries plus all the other stuff that goes with such a traumatic experience, luckily she recovered well but something like that will leave deep emotional wounds that may never heal. Anyway, to start with that Saturday dog walk session was always my job, so straight away once I found out I couldn't get the guilt out of my head, didn't matter what anyone said about how it wasn't my fault, even though I know it wasn't my fault, it just wouldn't go away, if I hadn't left etc etc..

Eventually these feelings naturally subside, or slip further into the recesses of the mind, but they never completely go away, even now when I have occasion to drive to that town I get the pangs of gult over what she went through, because I fucked off.

There are other reasons why I think I'm a bit of a twat but the one I've outlined is probably the biggest of them.

Karen, I hear what you say about female doctors/counsellors etc, well whenever I've had occasion to go the docs I always seem to get the new one, the one who's fresh out of university, yes they care but I'm nearly 59, what can they possibly have to offer me unless I've got a visible wound they can look at, I mean absolutely no offence to them whatsoever but they know nothing of real life.
The counsellor I did see was female and I remember feeling quite positive about this when I was given the appointment but tbh I couldn't engage with her, came away wondering what the point of it all was after half an hour, she asked about suicidal thoughts but warned me that certain answers could result in me being sectioned, ffs there was no way I was opening up to her about anything whatsoever after that, I work, I function normally except for my head problems, why the fuck would I want sticking on a phsycie ward, I'm not teddy bear material, I just needed guidance. So that was the end of that.

Bluesteel, thanks I will have a google on those things and maybe they will help.


Again, apologies for the ramble but I might as well stay on whatever roll I'm on at the moment, doesn't matter if it goes nowhere, at least I've had a practice for when I do eventually get to sit face to face with someone, in fact I can just direct them to this thread to save them having to listen to me droning on about my woes.

As you were..

 

[Nebuchadnezzar]

Thanks all for the replies, very much appreciated.

Well after I'd posted I thought I'd walk and get my car from near the station I'd left from yesterday, it's only 2.5miles and I thought the fresh air would do me good.
Anyway, you can guess the rest, the fucking cars gone, so I've walked 5 miles for nothing, just about sums my life up at the moment, no doubt another £100 to get it out of the pound. There was a 10-11am no parking sign but I had forgotten about it as my plan was to get a lift with my wife when she went to work at 8 this morning, being the angel she is and not knowing of my plans she slipped away quietly this morning so as to let me have a nice lie-in, ah well....

A couple of you mentioned the drinking, not a problem for me fortunately, before yesterday I hadn't had a drink for at least a couple of months, my problem has been the weed, up until about a month ago I'd used regularly, no, daily for around 35 years but I knocked it on the head and can't say I'm missing it, again I know this can have just as much effect as alcohol, so I do appreciate that everything I'm going through is 100% self inflicted, doesn't make it any less difficult though.

BMR, you mentioned the underlying reasons, I assume you mean why do I think I'm not a decent person, well in 2006 I walked away from a 15year relationship, marriage in everything but name, I'd tried 2 years before but had ended up going back because I couldn't bear to see the pain I was inflicting on her, she literally fell apart and became quite poorly. I lost my mum at the same time, this loss coupled with seeing someone for whom I cared deeply turning into a complete mess was more than I could cope with, so I took the easy quick fix route and went back, all the time knowing that I wanted away.
When I did make the break in 06 it was even more horrendous, I'd met someone else, my current wife, we were totally besotted and I knew this was going to be my only chance of finding true happiness, one life, one shot and all that, so I did it, more pain dished out by me, what got me through the initial few months was to keep telling myself I'm a decent human being, I left a house with no mortgage, everything we had was now all hers, somehow it seemed the decent thing and I've never been materialistic anyway, no kids btw, fuck knows how I'd have coped with that on top of the other stuff.
About 6mths after I left my ex was attacked while out walking the dog, it was a Saturday teatime in Spring, broad daylight, she was dragged into bushes by a youth, he smashed her in the head with a rock to try and immobilise her, no doubting his intentions. The dog, a lurcher, was prone to running off ahead but never too far, luckily he came back to her and dived straight in to back the youth off, she struggled back to the car where she'd left her phone, police got the helicopter up and they caught the little fucker within 30 mins.
She was hospitalised with head injuries plus all the other stuff that goes with such a traumatic experience, luckily she recovered well but something like that will leave deep emotional wounds that may never heal. Anyway, to start with that Saturday dog walk session was always my job, so straight away once I found out I couldn't get the guilt out of my head, didn't matter what anyone said about how it wasn't my fault, even though I know it wasn't my fault, it just wouldn't go away, if I hadn't left etc etc..

Eventually these feelings naturally subside, or slip further into the recesses of the mind, but they never completely go away, even now when I have occasion to drive to that town I get the pangs of gult over what she went through, because I fucked off.

There are other reasons why I think I'm a bit of a twat but the one I've outlined is probably the biggest of them.

Karen, I hear what you say about female doctors/counsellors etc, well whenever I've had occasion to go the docs I always seem to get the new one, the one who's fresh out of university, yes they care but I'm nearly 59, what can they possibly have to offer me unless I've got a visible wound they can look at, I mean absolutely no offence to them whatsoever but they know nothing of real life.
The counsellor I did see was female and I remember feeling quite positive about this when I was given the appointment but tbh I couldn't engage with her, came away wondering what the point of it all was after half an hour, she asked about suicidal thoughts but warned me that certain answers could result in me being sectioned, ffs there was no way I was opening up to her about anything whatsoever after that, I work, I function normally except for my head problems, why the fuck would I want sticking on a phsycie ward, I'm not teddy bear material, I just needed guidance. So that was the end of that.

Bluesteel, thanks I will have a google on those things and maybe they will help.


Again, apologies for the ramble but I might as well stay on whatever roll I'm on at the moment, doesn't matter if it goes nowhere, at least I've had a practice for when I do eventually get to sit face to face with someone, in fact I can just direct them to this thread to save them having to listen to me droning on about my woes.

As you were..

Thats an awful lot for one person to take on. The good thing about sharing these thoughts in a place like this is that it is mainly faceless and despite the bickering that can happen elsewhere on Bluemoon, I will always maintain that the community here sticks together when someone is in need. That you can truly count on.

All I can say about this post is do not ever blame yourself for the actions of a monster.

 

[nw42]

Thats an awful lot for one person to take on. The good thing about sharing these thoughts in a place like this is that it is mainly faceless and despite the bickering that can happen elsewhere on Bluemoon, I will always maintain that the community here sticks together when someone is in need. That you can truly count on.

All I can say about this post is do not ever blame yourself for the actions of a monster.

Thank you.

 

[kaz7]

Thanks all for the replies, very much appreciated.

Well after I'd posted I thought I'd walk and get my car from near the station I'd left from yesterday, it's only 2.5miles and I thought the fresh air would do me good.
Anyway, you can guess the rest, the fucking cars gone, so I've walked 5 miles for nothing, just about sums my life up at the moment, no doubt another £100 to get it out of the pound. There was a 10-11am no parking sign but I had forgotten about it as my plan was to get a lift with my wife when she went to work at 8 this morning, being the angel she is and not knowing of my plans she slipped away quietly this morning so as to let me have a nice lie-in, ah well....

A couple of you mentioned the drinking, not a problem for me fortunately, before yesterday I hadn't had a drink for at least a couple of months, my problem has been the weed, up until about a month ago I'd used regularly, no, daily for around 35 years but I knocked it on the head and can't say I'm missing it, again I know this can have just as much effect as alcohol, so I do appreciate that everything I'm going through is 100% self inflicted, doesn't make it any less difficult though.

BMR, you mentioned the underlying reasons, I assume you mean why do I think I'm not a decent person, well in 2006 I walked away from a 15year relationship, marriage in everything but name, I'd tried 2 years before but had ended up going back because I couldn't bear to see the pain I was inflicting on her, she literally fell apart and became quite poorly. I lost my mum at the same time, this loss coupled with seeing someone for whom I cared deeply turning into a complete mess was more than I could cope with, so I took the easy quick fix route and went back, all the time knowing that I wanted away.
When I did make the break in 06 it was even more horrendous, I'd met someone else, my current wife, we were totally besotted and I knew this was going to be my only chance of finding true happiness, one life, one shot and all that, so I did it, more pain dished out by me, what got me through the initial few months was to keep telling myself I'm a decent human being, I left a house with no mortgage, everything we had was now all hers, somehow it seemed the decent thing and I've never been materialistic anyway, no kids btw, fuck knows how I'd have coped with that on top of the other stuff.
About 6mths after I left my ex was attacked while out walking the dog, it was a Saturday teatime in Spring, broad daylight, she was dragged into bushes by a youth, he smashed her in the head with a rock to try and immobilise her, no doubting his intentions. The dog, a lurcher, was prone to running off ahead but never too far, luckily he came back to her and dived straight in to back the youth off, she struggled back to the car where she'd left her phone, police got the helicopter up and they caught the little fucker within 30 mins.
She was hospitalised with head injuries plus all the other stuff that goes with such a traumatic experience, luckily she recovered well but something like that will leave deep emotional wounds that may never heal. Anyway, to start with that Saturday dog walk session was always my job, so straight away once I found out I couldn't get the guilt out of my head, didn't matter what anyone said about how it wasn't my fault, even though I know it wasn't my fault, it just wouldn't go away, if I hadn't left etc etc..

Eventually these feelings naturally subside, or slip further into the recesses of the mind, but they never completely go away, even now when I have occasion to drive to that town I get the pangs of gult over what she went through, because I fucked off.

There are other reasons why I think I'm a bit of a twat but the one I've outlined is probably the biggest of them.

Karen, I hear what you say about female doctors/counsellors etc, well whenever I've had occasion to go the docs I always seem to get the new one, the one who's fresh out of university, yes they care but I'm nearly 59, what can they possibly have to offer me unless I've got a visible wound they can look at, I mean absolutely no offence to them whatsoever but they know nothing of real life.
The counsellor I did see was female and I remember feeling quite positive about this when I was given the appointment but tbh I couldn't engage with her, came away wondering what the point of it all was after half an hour, she asked about suicidal thoughts but warned me that certain answers could result in me being sectioned, ffs there was no way I was opening up to her about anything whatsoever after that, I work, I function normally except for my head problems, why the fuck would I want sticking on a phsycie ward, I'm not teddy bear material, I just needed guidance. So that was the end of that.

Bluesteel, thanks I will have a google on those things and maybe they will help.


Again, apologies for the ramble but I might as well stay on whatever roll I'm on at the moment, doesn't matter if it goes nowhere, at least I've had a practice for when I do eventually get to sit face to face with someone, in fact I can just direct them to this thread to save them having to listen to me droning on about my woes.

As you were..

Finding the right doctor is sometimes hard but you can go to see one of the older ones and ask if there is anyone at the surgery has an interest in mental health,things have moved on and mental health is much more understood,try again for me would you

 

[nmc]

Read about 5HTP and vitamin B6/B12, I've read a lot of people say it's better than anti depressants and there are also no side effects. You produce it naturally, worth taking a look, try and cut down alcohol too and don't worry about the thoughts, everyone has thoughts, it's actions and the deciding not to do things which are important. Maybe look at at NLP too. Sorry this reply is rushed.

5 HTP and B12 have done wonders for me. I also take ashwaganda to help me sleep. Miles better than anti bloody depressants. For me sorting my sleep out was key - once I started going to bed at 10:00pm and sleeping for 8 hours so many other issues went away.

 

[BlueMoonRisin’]

Thanks all for the replies, very much appreciated.

Well after I'd posted I thought I'd walk and get my car from near the station I'd left from yesterday, it's only 2.5miles and I thought the fresh air would do me good.
Anyway, you can guess the rest, the fucking cars gone, so I've walked 5 miles for nothing, just about sums my life up at the moment, no doubt another £100 to get it out of the pound. There was a 10-11am no parking sign but I had forgotten about it as my plan was to get a lift with my wife when she went to work at 8 this morning, being the angel she is and not knowing of my plans she slipped away quietly this morning so as to let me have a nice lie-in, ah well....

A couple of you mentioned the drinking, not a problem for me fortunately, before yesterday I hadn't had a drink for at least a couple of months, my problem has been the weed, up until about a month ago I'd used regularly, no, daily for around 35 years but I knocked it on the head and can't say I'm missing it, again I know this can have just as much effect as alcohol, so I do appreciate that everything I'm going through is 100% self inflicted, doesn't make it any less difficult though.

BMR, you mentioned the underlying reasons, I assume you mean why do I think I'm not a decent person, well in 2006 I walked away from a 15year relationship, marriage in everything but name, I'd tried 2 years before but had ended up going back because I couldn't bear to see the pain I was inflicting on her, she literally fell apart and became quite poorly. I lost my mum at the same time, this loss coupled with seeing someone for whom I cared deeply turning into a complete mess was more than I could cope with, so I took the easy quick fix route and went back, all the time knowing that I wanted away.
When I did make the break in 06 it was even more horrendous, I'd met someone else, my current wife, we were totally besotted and I knew this was going to be my only chance of finding true happiness, one life, one shot and all that, so I did it, more pain dished out by me, what got me through the initial few months was to keep telling myself I'm a decent human being, I left a house with no mortgage, everything we had was now all hers, somehow it seemed the decent thing and I've never been materialistic anyway, no kids btw, fuck knows how I'd have coped with that on top of the other stuff.
About 6mths after I left my ex was attacked while out walking the dog, it was a Saturday teatime in Spring, broad daylight, she was dragged into bushes by a youth, he smashed her in the head with a rock to try and immobilise her, no doubting his intentions. The dog, a lurcher, was prone to running off ahead but never too far, luckily he came back to her and dived straight in to back the youth off, she struggled back to the car where she'd left her phone, police got the helicopter up and they caught the little fucker within 30 mins.
She was hospitalised with head injuries plus all the other stuff that goes with such a traumatic experience, luckily she recovered well but something like that will leave deep emotional wounds that may never heal. Anyway, to start with that Saturday dog walk session was always my job, so straight away once I found out I couldn't get the guilt out of my head, didn't matter what anyone said about how it wasn't my fault, even though I know it wasn't my fault, it just wouldn't go away, if I hadn't left etc etc..

Eventually these feelings naturally subside, or slip further into the recesses of the mind, but they never completely go away, even now when I have occasion to drive to that town I get the pangs of gult over what she went through, because I fucked off.

There are other reasons why I think I'm a bit of a twat but the one I've outlined is probably the biggest of them.

Karen, I hear what you say about female doctors/counsellors etc, well whenever I've had occasion to go the docs I always seem to get the new one, the one who's fresh out of university, yes they care but I'm nearly 59, what can they possibly have to offer me unless I've got a visible wound they can look at, I mean absolutely no offence to them whatsoever but they know nothing of real life.
The counsellor I did see was female and I remember feeling quite positive about this when I was given the appointment but tbh I couldn't engage with her, came away wondering what the point of it all was after half an hour, she asked about suicidal thoughts but warned me that certain answers could result in me being sectioned, ffs there was no way I was opening up to her about anything whatsoever after that, I work, I function normally except for my head problems, why the fuck would I want sticking on a phsycie ward, I'm not teddy bear material, I just needed guidance. So that was the end of that.

Bluesteel, thanks I will have a google on those things and maybe they will help.


Again, apologies for the ramble but I might as well stay on whatever roll I'm on at the moment, doesn't matter if it goes nowhere, at least I've had a practice for when I do eventually get to sit face to face with someone, in fact I can just direct them to this thread to save them having to listen to me droning on about my woes.

As you were..

Another honest post mate. Sorry to hear about how things have been, it must be very difficult for you. I can empathize in understanding having been in a place you feel you are now.

I don't know where you live but there are is free counselling available where you are I would think. MIND offer counselling and guidance, there are others perhaps others will mention. All these type of places are there to help. I went to the one on Katherine st in Ashton about 3 months ago. I dropped in, had a nice chat with a very helpful lady. She listened (not a counsellor as such) and booked me to see a counsellor. I basically told her about the spells of depression I'd previously suffered, and where I was at the time of speaking to her. I knew/she knew I was teetering on the edge, or maudlin and feeling is perhaps more apt thinking about it. As MIND is charity funded, she said I would have to wait a few weeks, but if I wanted to pay, idI be seen a lot sooner. Truth is I knew I was in control of myself so I said I didn't mind waiting. I got a call recently from them asking how i was and if I still wanted to see a counsellor. I told her i was feeling a whole lot better and politely declined counselling.

l know what you mean about newbies fresh out of Uni with zero actual experience of what textbook knowledge they have. It's not their fault but a good counsellor knows what hymn sheet you're singing from having been there themselves. I have and charge nowt for my services, but a beer is always welcome; )

As for being sectioned, hmm, I doubt it, your posts in here seem plausible and compos mentis. I have been sectioned and trust me, I was a paranoid schizophrenic with anxiety that reduced me to a jibbering wreck , brought on from a copious cocktail of drugs and drink in my early 20s over 30 years ago. Maybe your daily cannabis intake for so long is a contributing somewhat to this? I think there is TBH, but I'm no expert.

I only have a very occasional spliff nowadays, and never touched LSD or mushies since sectioned. Alcohol I can take or leave really. I like a beer but I can't cope without tea. That's where I am, but having said that getting merrily drunk in good company is good for one's soul.

More important on staying sane keeping your seretonin spirit level bubble even is to look after yourself, and ONLY YOU can do this .

Eating healthy, regular sleep and excercise are essential to equilibrium of snuffing one's demons out.