Although I never purposely seek out this thread I always pop in for a read whenever it appears in new posts section, not sure what I'm expecting to find but it proves, to me, that I'm at least looking for something. Been in some sort of state for a good few years now, probably about 10yrs if truth be told, I did approach my GP about 4 or 5 yrs ago, was given Sertraline but they just fucked with my head, I know that's what they're supposed to do but I really didn't like the feelings, so I popped them in the bin after a few weeks and decided to plough on, never went back to docs as I didn't feel any sort of rapport to be able to open up there.
Not even sure why I've decided to post today, except that I'm feeling lower than usual this morning, shame really as I had a great day yesterday, one of my best in ages, was on a stag do and caught up with some old faces I'd not seen in years, mainly due to my reluctance to bother stepping out of the door to socialise, I've got a beautiful wife who is one of the most positive and supportive people imaginable, but I'm just draining that positivity out of her, there's only so much anyone can take I suppose.
I wouldn't class myself as suicidal but do often think how much better her life would be if I dropped dead, obviously it would be rough for her initially but she's 12yrs younger than me and would soon recover and get on with her life. Yesterday while waiting for the train they announced that one was coming through but not stopping and to stand back from the platform etc, I watched it approaching, a big fuck off goods train hammering along, not saying I wanted to jump, it was on the other side of the tracks anyway so it would have required a massive leap to have got in front of it, also I could see the driver and instantaneously thought what a twats trick it would be to do such a thing to a bloke just going about his job, so no worries, jumping in front of a train quickly got scratched.
What's getting to me this morning is the fact that such an awful thought momentarily entered my head, I could actually see why people choose this way, there's no second chance once you go that route, it takes one second and you're gone forever, no pain etc, except of course for the poor driver and the fellas who have to scrape you up.
Anyway, I carried on with the day, met up with everyone and it was brilliant, wife picked me up from the station later and had got some nice food ready but I didn't eat any of it and just went to bed, typical of me, just shunning the kind gesture with no thought for her.
The point of my post, well I think it's about time I revisited the notion of some sort of treatment, not sure if that would be meds, I'm an old school bloke, I think I'm tough enough to not require meds but the reality is I need some help, talking to the right person seems favourable but what are the chances of me being allocated the 'right' person, I did speak with a counsellor when I was given the Sertraline but there was absolutely no rapport with them, not their fault but if it's not there I'm not going to open up. I even know what I have to talk about to even begin to get through this, stuff that I've done in the past, nothing illegal but stuff that makes me not a very nice person.
Anyway, apologies for going a little off topic but I just felt like spilling a little, I just feel there are others in this thread who will maybe see a little of their own issues in what I've written and they may just have a snippet of advice that will send me in the right direction.
Sorry for the train episode, I've just read it back and it's gruesome but if I delete it then I'm not being honest, I do know enough to know that if you aren't honest then you really can't begin to get better. Not necessarily looking for help from here but you never know, someone may just have something to say that will resonate and get me moving forwards before I drive my wife away forever.
I should add for clarity, I suffered a sub-arrachnoid haemorrhage in 2010, was very lucky to recover from 7hrs surgery fully intact, although there must be fallout from that I can't really blame it for my current dilemmas, I mean I'm still the same fella, I look the same, if a little older.
Thanks anyway.