Joke thread

Dear Deirdre
During this lockdown I've really noticed my next door neighbour's 16 year old daughter and last week from my bedroom window I saw she was mowing their lawn in tight shorts and a bikini top
I really felt turned on, so I undid my trousers and whilst peeking from behind the curtain started to masturbate
I don't know for how long she was there but I turned to see my wife standing in the doorway watching me
Deirdre, is by wife a pervert?
 
2 united fans walking along the pavement when all of a sudden a car comes out of nowhere hitting the poor sods one went half a mile up the road the other landed through the drivers sunroof.

Police were called and interviewed the driver.
Well sir can you tell me what happened certainly officer, I was distracted didn’t see the gentlemen mounted the pavement and hit them one has gone down the road the other has come through my sun roof.

Likely story said the copper tell me the truth or your getting nicked

Ok officer I was doing 70 in a 30 mile an hour zone saw these rag fuckers with their utd tops on and thought I’m having you twats, hit em as hard as I could one has gone down the road the others landed next to me through my sunroof.

That’s more like it says the copper we’ll do one for leaving the scene of a crime and one for breaking an entry.
 
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H = Husband, W = Wife)

H - "Hello?"
W - "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at Brent Cross. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only £1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2020 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only £60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I noticed your bank account and I stopped by the estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only £1,450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to £1,400,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up and closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision.
The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to??
 
My heart goes out to all those formerly highly successful lookalike tribute acts whose careers have now been cut short due to recent events.

Now they’re nothing more than just a bunch of fat women who sound like Adele!!
 
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