Joke thread

[Dazzle84]

Man and wife are fast asleep in the middle of the night in their countryside cottage when they're woken by a knock at the door.

The husband puts on his robe, goes downstairs and answers the door to stressed out, drenched from the rain, desperate-looking man.

“I’m sorry to knock at such an hour but could you give me a push? I just can’t seem to get started”

The husband looks outside and sees the lashing rain and replies: “sorry mate…it’s just too late…I’m in bed with my wife” and closes the door on the poor, soaking fellow.

As he gets back in bed his wife asks “Who was it? What did they want?”

“Oh…it was just some bloke who wanted a push…. I told him “no”

His wife, disappointed in her husband, replied: “but…remember when we got stuck at night in the rain and couldn’t get anywhere and that man came and gave us a push?”

Feeling slightly guilty the husband gets back out of bed, puts on his robe and says “you’re right…I’m going to see if he’s still there” and runs downstairs, opens the front door and shouts “MATE …MATE …. DO YOU STILL WANT THAT PUSH?”

A distant voice replies “yes please”

Husband: “WHERE ARE YOU?”

Man: ”I’m over here on the swing!!”

My all time favourite

 

[Marklr]

My all time favourite

Of all time?

 

[balotellishaircut]

I’m in shock, the local Barber in my area has just been sent down for 5 years for selling drugs. I was a regular customer of his and thought I really knew him. He never told me he was a Barber.

 

[Big Swifty]

My all time favourite

 

[Big Swifty]

Of all time?

It was my favourite about 30 yrs ago

 

[balotellishaircut]

A husband went to a police station to report his wife missing.

Husband :- I’ve lost my wife, she went out shopping yesterday and hasn’t come home
Sergeant :- What is her height ?
Husband :- I never really noticed
Sergeant :- Build ?
Husband :- Not slim not really fat
Sergeant :- Eye colour ?
Husband :- Never noticed
Sergeant :- Colour of hair ?
Husband :- Changed according to season
Sergeant:- What was she wearing ?
Husband :- Dress/ suit, I don’t remember
Sergeant :- Did she go in a car ?
Husband :- Yes
Sergeant :- What car was it ?
Husband :- Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 litre V6 engine, generating 333 horse power with 8 speed triptonic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door........at this point the husband starts crying.




Sergeant :- Don’t worry sir... we will find your car.

 

[Bill Walker]

The wife's left me for being a compulsive gambler !
Wonder what the odds are on me winning her back ?

 

[Bill Walker]

I Was in the pub Last night with my mate and these 4 huge bastards started mouthing off at us.

“Pretend we’re the police” my mate said

I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us!!

 

[Paulpowersleftfoot]

I must say I do think Harry has been very harsh on Charles,who’s always treated him as if he was his own son

 

[Bluechipblue]

Not a joke but what a name.

Also known as 'Fishy Fanny' at school.

 

[Bill Walker]

I dread to think what you get up to at the fish counter.

I'd tell but I'd have to bare my sole..

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I was arguing with my missus in Nando's once when my best mate came over, grabbed the garlic bread and coleslaw from our table and ran off... I wish he would stop taking sides!

 

[sir baconface]

 

[paul1963]

Went to the Doctors today and asked how i could protect myself from catching the Indian strain of the Corona virus.He said he would give me a Punjab

 

[PannickAtTheDisco]

Did you hear about the Da Vinci painting that was vandalised? Someone painted a face mask on it.

The gallery have had to rename it the Corona Lisa.

 

[PannickAtTheDisco]

Went to the Doctors today and asked how i could protect myself from catching the Indian strain of the Corona virus.He said he would give me a Punjab

I booked my vaccination the other day and the centre send me through a confirmation along with a dress code saying I have to wear a scarf round my head.

Apparently I'm getting the hijab.

 

[Marklr]

This is giving me neck ache...but I'm nearly there!

 

[Bill Walker]

The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?''
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''

 

[Bill Walker]

Just made my mother's French sister very angry !
She's now a cross aunt

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Just made my mother's French sister very angry !
She's now a cross aunt

I did that one recently