Joke thread

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West:

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" He asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said. "Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’"

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" Asked the young man.

"Sure will." Replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That’s terrific." Said the hot shot.. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep." Said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" Asked the young man.

"You bet it will." Said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" Exclaimed the cowboy. "I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No." Said the old-timer. "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" Asked the young man.

"No." Said the old-timer. "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass and it won’t hurt near as much!"
 
Bluechipblue said:
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West:

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" He asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said. "Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’"

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" Asked the young man.

"Sure will." Replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That’s terrific." Said the hot shot.. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep." Said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" Asked the young man.

"You bet it will." Said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" Exclaimed the cowboy. "I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No." Said the old-timer. "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" Asked the young man.

"No." Said the old-timer. "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass and it won’t hurt near as much!"
Click to expand...
The punch line at last......
 
This one is better visually if you do the actions but let's give it a go to brighten up Thursday...

A woman goes to see the plastic surgeon for bigger boobs, but she can't afford the implants he recommends.

"Well", says the consultant "we do have these", and he shows her some inflatable implants. "You just pump them up with your arms, like your imitating a duck, but they will probably deflate again over time."

She hastily agrees to the procedure, which goes well, and a week later she's on her first date since the surgery. She pumps herself up to a 36FF, slaps on her make-up and goes to meet her date. Every time he looks away she has to pump herself up frantically with an impromptu chicken dance, but things go well and they end up back at hers.

They strip down in the bedroom and, noticing she's deflated again and having had a few gins, decides to come clean as she pumps herself up again.

"Don't worry love" he says, and he gets up and starts knocking his knees together like he's doing the Charleston. "I think we have the same doctor!"
 
bluetonium said:
This one is better visually if you do the actions but let's give it a go to brighten up Thursday...

A woman goes to see the plastic surgeon for bigger boobs, but she can't afford the implants he recommends.

"Well", says the consultant "we do have these", and he shows her some inflatable implants. "You just pump them up with your arms, like your imitating a duck, but they will probably deflate again over time."

She hastily agrees to the procedure, which goes well, and a week later she's on her first date since the surgery. She pumps herself up to a 36FF, slaps on her make-up and goes to meet her date. Every time he looks away she has to pump herself up frantically with an impromptu chicken dance, but things go well and they end up back at hers.

They strip down in the bedroom and, noticing she's deflated again and having had a few gins, decides to come clean as she pumps herself up again.

"Don't worry love" he says, and he gets up and starts knocking his knees together like he's doing the Charleston. "I think we have the same doctor!"
Click to expand...
An oldie, but a goodie. Think I first heard this in school c.1982
 
Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today. An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'the teeth'
 
An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Paul.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
 
Bill Walker said:
An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Paul.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Click to expand...
Bill, did you take a joke book with you when you emigrated in 1964 ?
 
jimharri said:
You like old (ancient?) jokes, yeah? Here you go.....

Interesting facts about Yul Brynner.
He followed Liverpool FC all his life.
He hated aftershave.

Yul never wore cologne.
Click to expand...
This reminds me of my wife's grandads favourite joke.

A man goes into a barbers and asks for a haircut like Tony Curtis. The barber pulls out a razor and shaves the customers head. The customer complains "this isnt how tony curtis has his hair." The barber replies "It was in the King and I".

Used to crack him up that joke. He's dead now
 
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