Joke thread

[blue44]

to the person who stole my glasses


i will find you
i have contacts

 

[blue44]

the early scientists worked out

the earth spun and watched.

after 24 hours they got bored

and called it a day.

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Mid Wales blue]

I was in the pub with paddy, just before lockdown (Not to be confused with lock-in).
whilst we were enjoying a cold pint of Guinness, I looked over and noticed a group of workmen, with Arborist on the back of their jackets.
I said to paddy, see that group of workmen, they’re tree fellers.
Paddy looked over, then with a face like a bulldog chewing a thistle, turned back to me and said, feck you, you gobshite, I may look stupid but I can count!

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

Someone's just 1.27 centimetred my joke about cockneys and the metric system.

 

[manclad]

Someone's just 1.27 centimetred my joke about cockneys and the metric system.

If you had used 12.7mm I would have got the joke a bit quicker!!!

 

[blue44]

I don't know about you

But I keep forgetting what amnesia means...

 

[kun]

My girlfriend left me due to my football manager addiction.

So I fined her 2 weeks wages put her on the transfer list.

It's a real shame, we've been together for 12 seasons.

In my defence, I have Stones, Dias, Walker and Zinchenko.

 

[Sid C]

My wife shouted to me from upstairs this morning asking if I had vicious stabbing pains in my back as though somebody has a voodoo doll of me and was sticking pins into it.
I told her no and she said “oh, how about now?’

 

[RadcliffeRick]

old one i know but

" I wanted to join the debating society at uni


but somebody talked me out of it"

I joined the mass debating society, boy was I disappointed

 

[Dicko69]

I joined the mass debating society, boy was I disappointed

I'm banned for life

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[RadcliffeRick]

I'm banned for life

The Christmas raffle draw was always fun. All the names put into a hat and the winner pulled on the stage

 

[sir baconface]

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

Clip Clip Clip - Clop Clop Clop - Clip Clip Clip

SOS in horse code

 

[Barcon]

Fee fi fee - fee fo fi fee

Mike Tysons phone number.

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

Fee fi fee - fee fo fi fee

Mike Tysons phone number.

What can think the unthinkable?


An itheberg

 

[DrBlueBob]

What goes clip.....clop.....clip....clop...BANG, clipclopclipclopclipclop?



An Amish drive by shooting.