Joke thread

[yeseye]

My wife has left me because she says I’m too insecure !
Oh no, wait a minute, she’s back,
She just went to make a cup of tea.

 

[Tuearts right boot]

Len Fairclough likes this.

and gives it ' a thumbs up '

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I went into the corner shop to get some helicopter flavoured crisps. The shopkeeper said, "Sorry we only have plane!”

 

[RadcliffeRick]

My wife left me because of my constant gambling. I bet she will be back.

 

[ChicagoBlue]

My wife left me because of my constant gambling. I bet she will be back.

Oh dear, those Jet-A fumes are getting to you!

The punchline is…

My wife left me because of my constant gambling. 4 to 1 says she’ll be back!

;-)

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

I’ve been swapping labels around on the wife’s spice jars. She may not know anything about it yet but, mark my words — the thyme is cumin.

 

[lefty goldblatt]

I’ve been swapping labels around on the wife’s spice jars. She may not know anything about it yet but, mark my words — the thyme is cumin.

My mate Basil thinks this joke's mint, but Herbie's going bananas

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

My mate Basil thinks this joke's mint, but Herbie's going bananas

Sage words.

 

[yeseye]

My wife said she is leaving me and taking the kids with her due to my
Obsession with horse racing.

And they’re off…

 

[dronefromsector7G]

At breakfast this morning my wife said she was leaving me due to my obsession with Twitter.

I nearly choked on my # brown

 

[Bill Walker]

Thought I'd have a French Pastry for my breakfast this morning.

Then I saw an angry insect sitting on it !

I thought, that's a Croissant.

 

[RadcliffeRick]

​

Oh dear, those Jet-A fumes are getting to you!

The punchline is…

My wife left me because of my constant gambling. 4 to 1 says she’ll be back!

;-)

My wife just told me we would have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.
I replied " I think you mean fewer" ;-)

 

[lefty goldblatt]

Sage words.

Love(age) it

 

[Big Swifty]

Thought I'd have a French Pastry for my breakfast this morning.

Then I saw an angry insect sitting on it !

I thought, that's a Croissant.

I'm not having this.

It's pronounced "krw-ass- ah(n)"

See if it works now

 

[maccieblue]

Len Fairclough likes this.

Len says thumbs up

 

[dobingsdobber]

Lol. I remember hearing he was once lined up to do the voiceover for Citroen ads, until someone realised.

You should hear his version of Dock of the Bay.

 

[blue44]

old one i know but

" I wanted to join the debating society at uni


but somebody talked me out of it"

 

[blue44]

Can’t believe it,a Doctor down the road has just been arrested for selling cocaine, they found £200,000 in cash, just goes to show, you don’t know who you're dealing with,10 years I'v been going to him and I never knew he was a Doctor !

 

[blue44]

I got a bit drunk today and did some gardening

I can't believe i put beer in my lawn mower earlier...Now my grass has come up half cut.

 

[blue44]

Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6" .
His statue in trafalga square is 17ft 4" .
That's Horatio of about 3 : 1 .