Joke thread

A likely candidate for a role with VAR ???

Bradley Walsh (on The Chase) ----- In which sport can a player make an approach shot to the green?
Contestant ---------- Cricket

Bradley's face was one to witness!!!!
 
the mystery illness said:
young lad pulls an older woman at a club , shes 58 but looks good for her age.
on the way back to her house he's thinkin "mmmmm i bet her daughters a belter" , when out of the blue she says "how do you fancy a sportsmans double ?"
"what's that ?" he says , "a mother & daughter threesome !" she replies
he says "YES FUCKING PLEASE !!"
so as they go in the front door , she puts the hall light on and shouts " mum , put yer fuckin teeth in , he's up for it !"
Click to expand...
The old ones are the best ones...er, if you know what I mean.
 
Paddy Englishman, paddy Scotsman and paddy Irishman all arrive at the gates of heaven on Christmas eve.
St Peter is there and says it's busy today but I will let you in if you show me something that relates to Christmas.
So paddy Englishman produces a lighter and says that represents candles. So Peter let's him in.
Then paddy Scotsman takes out a a set of keys and says that represents jingle bells.
So Paddy Irishman pulls out a bra and a pair of knickers.
So Peter says what have they to do with Christmas?
...... Their carol's!!!!
 
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I saw an advert from a Donkey Sanctuary to adopt a donkey for £3 a month. Man United did that a couple of years ago but they are paying Harry Maguire a lot more than £3 a month.
 
The Pope is suffering from a terrible illness and seems likely to die.
"I have to tell you, Holy Father," says the doctor, "that you have what is known as a 'semen block', and if this block is not removed as soon as possible you will surely die."

"So how do you intend to remove it?" asks the Pope.

"You cannot remove the block yourself; it has to be done by a woman."

"OK," says the Pope. "Then bring me a woman who is blind so she cannot see me and deaf so she cannot recognise my voice. She must also be mute so she cannot tell anyone about this terrible occurrence."

"Of course, Holy Father," says the doctor. "Any other requests?"

"Yes. Make sure she has big tits."
 
Mr Rangnick was taking his first training session at Carrington. He'd seen United on video and thought they needed a feisty midfielder so he contacted a Polish lad who he thought would fit the bill. They all met up on the training pitch and Rangnick took the lad aside and said in broken English:

"This is ball. Win ball and kick hard between those two white sticks which we call goal".

The lad replied:
"Boss. I learnt how to speak English at the age of three and graduated from Warwick University with a degree in English literature. I understand English".

Rangnick replied:

"I'm not talking to you."
 
Idesofmarch69 said:
Mr Rangnick was taking his first training session at Carrington. He'd seen United on video and thought they needed a feisty midfielder so he contacted a Polish lad who he thought would fit the bill. They all met up on the training pitch and Rangnick took the lad aside and said in broken English:

"This is ball. Win ball and kick hard between those two white sticks which we call goal".

The lad replied:
"Boss. I learnt how to speak English at the age of three and graduated from Warwick University with a degree in English literature. I understand English".

Rangnick replied:

"I'm not talking to you."
Click to expand...
Who is he talking to, given he took the lad aside? Himself?
 
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