Joke thread

I asked 100 women what their favourite brand of shampoo was, and the top answer was "GET OUT OF MY SHOWER"



At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said

"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question " noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO.

"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and once a year they send us a complete prick."





A man and his wife are driving along the road when they hit a badger. When they get out of the car they find that it's still breathing but freezing cold.

"Quick" said the husband, "stick it up your skirt between your legs to warm it up"

"No chance" replied the wife, "it's all wet and it stinks"

"Well hold his f***ing nose then"




I got fired from my job in a keyboard factory

Apparently I didn't put enough shifts in




Did you know the actor Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool fan, and he never once wore aftershave?

That's right- Yul never wore cologne.
 
Lavinda Past said:
Way to spoil a joke...
Click to expand...
Sorry to
9Yoshie-Takeshita.jpg

on your attempt at humour.
 
These were voted the best jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe. One or two are alright, but the rest are shite:

I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah - Lorna Rose Treen

The most British thing I've ever heard? A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.' - Liz Guterbock

Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it's hardly worth it now - Amos Gill

When women gossip we get called bitchy; but when men do it's called a podcast - Sikisa

I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic - just to break the ice - Masai Graham

How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag - Frank Lavender

My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He's
Costaphobic - Roger Swift

I entered the 'How not to surrender' competition and I won hands down - Bennett Arron

Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch - William Stone

My grandma describes herself as being in her "twilight years" which I love because they're great films - Daniel Foxx
 
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