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Our club should really have acceded to his demands and given him a large birthday chocolate cake made entirely of ex-lax chocolate. After a few slices of that he would have made a real mega shit H-bomb explosion in his Y fronts. Thanks for reading.

After last season's shit Cup Final display we cannot risk another loss - we just can't. We don't want to go into last 2 crucial league games with that scenario. No room for sentiment - De Bruyne, McAtee and Lewis should warm the bench. Doku should come on for a decent time - not just the last...

I decided to take up golf for the first time and as it's VE week I thought I'd enter a WW2 tournament at our local club. Well the first hole went down in 39, the last hole in 45 and the rest of the time I was in the bunkers.

With reference to an old Max Miller joke - The punchline should be "I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off" - not surprisingly banned by the BBC.

The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes (1970) directed by the great Billy Wilder. An affectionate take on the legend's last unreported case involving the Loch Ness monster, Queen Victoria, Trappist monks, teams of midgets and an espionage plot. Holmes' drug use and a gay subtext adds to the fun...

Got a ticket and went down to Wembley on the overnight coach. Arrived at about six o'clock and was delighted to find that the pubs in Covent Garden were open, allegedly for the benefit of market workers. Several pints later and a decent fry up was a good start to the day. Tour of Soho later -...

On Good Friday watched "Fall" - the story of two female rock climbers with dark shared history determined to scale a 2000 feet radio mast, shortly to be demolished, to upload and sell film on You Tube. Pretty amazing special effects and nail biting suspense. Aerial shots terrifying. Solid 8/10

A very good golden oldie. Charley Varrick (1973) starring the wonderful Walter Matthau who leads a bank robbery gang. After a flawed raid shoot out (one fatality) they do escape with the loot. Later it transpires that the take was much higher than expected as the branch was the drop off for the...

Food for thought actually. We did seem more mobile, fluid and efficient in attack rather than trying to find/feed Haaland when he's man marked/not supported all the time. Also after last week's derby I did give KdB man of the match (1 of only 3 votes - about 1%). This was not obviously...

Not a popular choice I know but Kevin de Bruyne, far fom his peak form, in his very last derby always tried to make things happen. At least Nunes did not make his frequent error which in the past has cost us the game.

The Wicker Man, great story line. always gets better with a 2nd or 3rd watch even if you know the ending which still packs a hell of a punch. Never seen Christopher Lee smile so much on screen - it's the favourite of all his movies. Also the western Tombstone with Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer...

We really don't want elimination at the QF stage. We've had too many disappointments this season already. We should really have enough too see off Bournemouth and later Palace and Forest shouldn't be a problem (Villa could be trickier). A bit more fight like the recent Newcastle and Spurs games...

Unfortunately in the older generation parents used to bring up their kids along the same lines they experienced themselves. However, it was usually left to the father to administer corporal punishment (as the schools did when necessary). Now even smacking is outlawed in Scotland and frowned on...

REM: When drummer Bill Berry left IMHO the group's peak had passed. They had a variety of sidemen/session men afterwards. I much preferred the earlier "Best of REM" - swamp rock and the Murmur album rather than the later attempts of electronic/garage sounds.

Wolf Creek (2005). A good Aussie horror flick detailing 3 backpackers (2 Brit girls and their Aussie boy friend). When their car breaks down on an Outback road trip, they are abducted and tortured by a psycho maniac. Very inventive plotting, good use of scenery and allegedly based on true events.

I'm posting this from hospital as I was taken violently ill. Instead of a sliced onion on my lunch time salad I inadvertently included a sliced daffodil bulb. The doctors say that I should be out early spring.

Midnight Express (1977). Very good violent film, directed by Alan Parker, and a searing indictment on the Turkish prison system. Caused a great furore at the time promoting strong anti-Turk propaganda. Hollywood is always wary of homosexuality and drug use portrayed on screen and there's...

More physical starting 11 made all the difference - i.e. no Lewis, Foden or Bernardo. Means that Spurs couldn't bully our weaker players. Nunes better in midfield than right back - more pace and strength. Haaland's late effort wrongly disallowed. Injury list shortening now - FA cup win and top...

Did it a few years ago .but will be pricey now Very interesting but you'd be better on a car trip stopping at your own pace for airboat ride, Seminole Indian village visit (alligator wrestling etc), Cape Florida etc probably in conjunction with the Florida keys - Key Largo, Marathon...

Real are different gravy to Newcastle and are a seriously good side with possibly Ruddiger back too. Yesterday's performance will give us hope and we must keep fighting. Lewis and Gundogan should not feature at all and 2 or 3 of new boys should start.. However, top 4 finish and Champs league...