Well, I'm disappointed in myself that I started back on meds, this morning, but I've seen no other way.
I have my Brother's inquest, coming up next month, my sister's stopped talking to me as I disagreed with her angle of pursuit on the case.
The only reason she took over was cos my MRS has suffered, medically, in the last 2 years; pacemaker and hysterectomy all before 35 years old. Stopped talking to my family and my older kids, my niece and nephews. Just stopped.
Found myself retreating into myself in the year after my Bro passed, especially as the hospital I work with got swallowed up by this fuckfest of a trust!
Stopped being the cheeky me I used to be before working within the actual hospital. Just head down and cracking on. Gone through job roles and levels in that time and my current personality feels at loggerheads in this new position. I have knuckled up through this whole thing, and dragged myself through the mud without it crossing my mind to take anything to 'cope'.
Then it hit me like a brick, a couple of weeks ago that the Inquest is looming large. So, I started on Sertraline, today, for a few weeks just to get me over the hill.
I forgot how awful the start is!
Felt like throwing up, half the day, especially after drinking something fizzy!
Ah well, just for a few weeks, I can hold back the thoughts of not even arguing with The Grim Reaper, should he/ she fancied knocking on my door. Hopefully not feel the empty bubble lodged in my chest, stopping me from feeling anything. Hopefully get some natural energy back and WANT to go gym and not just go.
When I'm there I train myself into the ground minimum 3 hrs, like some self punishment, but it's also my only escape.
I have told myself, just for a few weeks...