Away ground 'TOILET' comedy gold stories...

[Compstall35]

Toilet story - not city related but thought worthwhile sharing.

I had a big meeting with a major important client.

The meet was at his premises somewhere south of buxton at 9am. He is very rich and spends most of his time on his yacht in the med. He wanted me there prompt so we could have the meeting and he could fly back to the med early afternoon.

i had had a curry the night before and felt fine setting off from my house but going over the hills i felt the first twinges of stomach cramp.

By the time i got there i was desparate for a crap.

I walked in a ten to 9 and client said "Good your early we'll get started".

I said i would just like to use your toilet and went off to the bog which was at the very far end of the building.

I dropped my trolleys and as soon as i was sat i empied my guts big style.

Then my heart sank - that horrible felling as i realised there was no paper.

It was the cleanest barest toilet i had ever seen.

No towels . No bin . Nothing. Just 3 walls a door a toilet and a wash basin.

I decided that walking back up to the other end of the building with my pants around my ankles asking for toilet paper would not give a good impression.

Looked at my watch 8-55am. Think quick.

Decided had no option. Took off my shoes and socks.

Wiped with one sock and then rolled it up inside the other.

Stuffed the sockball into my pocket. Shoes back on and then did one of the most important meetings of my life (for 3 hours) with shitty socks in my pocket.

There is a field between buxton and manchester where to this day a pair of my socks are slowly bio-degrading.

That my friend, is fucking brilliant.

That is funny. I have a similiar story re the socks

I went out with this girl (second date) one day and took her over the snake pass to Sheffield. I'd had a skinful the nigt before and on the way back out of knowehere my stomach was dropping/ I knew I had minutes to go at most. I was near the Sheffield end of the snake pass and had no chance of getting all the way over. Raced into a hotel. Left car running and he sat in passenger seat at the entrance. Ran to the bog and it was like water coming out of my arse.
No toilet paper anywhere to be seen. It was either boxers or socks. I liked the boxers so the socks were used. For being bastards not having loo roll I left the shitty socks on top of the cistern.
Half way back she asks where are your socks. To my reply DON'T ASK LOL<br /><br />-- Thu Aug 12, 2010 11:14 am --<br /><br />I went over to the States to see a girl in New York. After a night out next morning she was in the shower for fxcking ages and I was dying for a shit. I honestly could not hold on much longer. Maybe the stress of flying being in America new bird blah blah.
Anyway in the end it was eiter shit my pants or shit in her bin lol. So the bin won obviously. I had this bin with me hidden as she came out of the shower. A messy job but all was back to normal soon after. lol

 

[Didsbury Dave]

Half way back she asks where are your socks. To my reply DON'T ASK LOL

Poor decision making, as Geoff will confirm. You should always sacrifice boxers before socks, for the reasons outlined above.

You shouldn't acknowledge that pooing and farting exist with a girl until at least a couple of months have passed.

But that's a different thread entirely. One for the future.

 

[york away to this!]

first year at college we had a "bad taste" fancy dress party - various people with various themes but there were a few who wore undies over their trousers (why that was deemed to be acceptable "bad taste" costume I'm not sure, though think they were some of one of my flat mate's biochem chums).

Anyway, generally a good time was had by all and the evening was a roaring success, party, out to the pub, back to the party, plenty of weed, loads of booze, general student idiocy - you get the picture.

In the morning there was an almighty stench in the corner where one of the so-called biochem lot was curled in a ball.

He'd been smoking weed, then went for a walk to "clear his head" - got caught short, jumped over a hedge in to someone's garden for a shite, wiped his arse on the handy "spare undies" he was wearing OVER his trousers, then put the bloody things back on again before sneaking back in to the house and curling up in a corner for a kip......<br /><br />-- Thu Aug 12, 2010 11:57 am --<br /><br />....I for one thought his attitude stank....

 

[Balti]

Old Trafford is full of shit. Europes biggest toilet.

 

[m27]

Further to my earlier story, a more recent effort.

In March my miussus treated me to a trip to Newcastle to watch Delphic and we stayed in a lovely hotel.

Unfortunately, I showed my gratutude by pissing in her shoes in the middle of the night.

The morning was awkward:

Her - "My shoes are wet"
Me -"Did it rain last night?"
Her- "No. Eewwww. They stink of piss."
Me - "Piss? That's odd."
Her - "You've pissed in my shoes."
Me - "No I haven't."
Her - "Well I didn't and it's not like you've not got a track record for it."
Me - "I resent that....but I do kind of remember doing it now you mention it. Sorry, I thought I was dreaming."

I should get checked out really.

 

[Balti]

Further to my earlier story, a more recent effort.

In March my miussus treated me to a trip to Newcastle to watch Delphic and we stayed in a lovely hotel.

Unfortunately, I showed my gratutude by pissing in her shoes in the middle of the night.

The morning was awkward:

Her - "My shoes are wet"
Me -"Did it rain last night?"
Her- "No. Eewwww. They stink of piss."
Me - "Piss? That's odd."
Her - "You've pissed in my shoes."
Me - "No I haven't."
Her - "Well I didn't and it's not like you've not got a track record for it."
Me - "I resent that....but I do kind of remember doing it now you mention it. Sorry, I thought I was dreaming."

I should get checked out really.

Mate of mine was pissing in his new girlfriends wardrobe when she woke up and caught him soaking her designer gear . She still married him even after that!

 

[levey]

not away ground related but.....

I was once tasked with driving the other halfs 18 year old niece ( who is spoilt little princess) and her boyfriend over to doncaster via woodhead after a heavy night on the piss.

I could feel my stomach bubbling so tried to have a go before I left to no avail.

wouldnt you know it as soon as I was about 3 miles onto woodhead my stomach made the loudest noise and I knew I was in trouble.

I had seconds so I just pulled over at the side of the road and jumped over the wall and proceed to do my deed using my sock as a mopping aid. I was no more than a meter away the car but on the other side of the wall.

I got back in the car and apoligised that i had 'been sick' to which my missus's niece replied ''did you wipe your mouth with your socks then as you had some on before you jumped over the wall''

I Didnt bother with any form of conversation for the rest of the journey.

 

[danny21manc]

So no one were having a shit when Dickov scored.....




Here goes...

Chelsea at home, i went with the Mrs.

I happened to be wearing a retro jacket at the time....as soon as i walked through the turnstiles onto the concourse i decided to unzip my jacket then walk to the toilet. As i reached my destination....wallop....a pair of her french knickers come crashing down to earth. I still to this minute don't think anyone witnessed the event.

As i'm stood pissing i hear a rendition of '' Why don't you rip off your knickers and show us your clit, we are man city, you know you love it''.



(i'd only gone and took my jacket straight from the dryer, static)

 

[oakiecokie]

So no one were having a shit when Dickov scored.....




Here goes...

Chelsea at home, i went with the Mrs.

I happened to be wearing a retro jacket at the time....as soon as i walked through the turnstiles onto the concourse i decided to unzip my jacket then walk to the toilet. As i reached my destination....wallop....a pair of her french knickers come crashing down to earth. I still to this minute don't think anyone witnessed the event.

As i'm stood pissing i hear a rendition of '' Why don't you rip off your knickers and show us your clit, we are man city, you know you love it''.



(i'd only gone and took my jacket straight from the dryer, static)

Fuuuuuuccccckkkkkkkkk oooofffffffffffffff !!
Admit it !!
You`re a Ronnie Tranny aint ya ??

 

[Gosford Blue]

I remember going to Millwall - the Old Den, quite a few years ago now. We won 1-0.

Anyway, going to the game we stopped off at these toilets in central London.
A coachload of pissedup City supporters got off, down the staircase and has we got down the steps there was a toilet attendant going about his work. The toilets were immaculate - you could see he took pride in his work.

Anyway, City fans being City fans proceeded to piss anywhere and everywhere.
I can still see his face as we left and got back on the coach.

The poor bastard was dumbstruck.