Away ground 'TOILET' comedy gold stories...

[surrounded by idiots]

A few years ago when we played that pre-season Manx cup thing with Oldham and I.O.M. Myself and a few mates went over.

1st night after a bit too much to drink, lying in my hotel bed i needed the little boys room, far too drunk and lazy to leave my room I staggered over to the sink and filled it with my number 1's.

2nd day scorching hot, spent drinking in beer gardens and cricket and drinking on the beach

Get back to the room mid afternoon, drunk and with a very burnt red head ( i'm follically challenged ), i see the sink full of liquid thinking ah cold water that will help and promptly stuck my head into a sinkfull of last nights by now cold piss.

Happy days

 

[pskilla]

Not football related but years ago one of my mates had had an altercation with 4 people when he was on his own and took a bit of a beating, a few days later one of them was sat in the pub. After an all day session, my pal pissed in a pint glass filling it to the top, then threw it in the guys face in the middle of the pub. He just sat there covered in piss & finished his pint. The whole pub just laughed at him, which was a better form of revenge I think.

 

[Leyth Blue]

-- Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:49 pm --

Bazz, you need to read Geoff's post above and digest.

In these emergency scenarios you need to think quickly and improvise.

You can't just cack in your pants and hope it goes away.

Hey if I had a cup on me and a bag of crisps I would have been set. Cup does the catching bag does the wiping.

...and what do you do with the crisps?[/quote]

Scoop like Doritos!!!!

 

[blueH1969]

i remember in brighton a few years back,queer lot down there.



[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FY5w8B_lyc&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]

 

[daveduke67]

I was a guest at a Rangers game a few years ago.
Was just about to sit down on the bog when a Scotsman slipped his hand under the partition and stuck a bar of chocolate covered coconut up my arse.
I screamed ' fcukin hell that hurt!!'
He said 'Aye lad, it's boun' te'

 

[gaudinho's stolen car]

Some more beauties in here.

 

[Jasondh]

5-minutes into the half time break at Wembley in the final my 6-year old declared he 'needed a poo'.

Not wanting to end up with a shitty mess us Dads go in the cubicle with our lads a point a few basic instructions out like
1. Make sure you get it all out
2. Wipe it properly
2. Wipe again until the paper is clean etc.

Well on this occasion due to the early start and junk food my little feller did a shite that smelled like it had come from Satan's own arse.

So bad was it that people outside the cubicle were banging on the door begging for mercy.

Needless to say when I came out and tried to blame my little lad they didn't believe me one bit and I got loads of "you smelly b'stard" etc.

How can kids make such stinks?

My shite smells but kids, oh god they stink.

 

[joe salford]

Bit of long one , but bear with me....

Many years ago me and an old bird were in Cape Town and we met this cape coloured dude who offered to show us around the Khayelitsha township for the day. Not the sort of place for a blond bird and ginger nut to be wandering around in those days.
This fella picks us up in one of them bedford rascals and we head off deep into the township and he is explaining the different areas, where the coloureds live and where the blacks live etc
At this point we are driving around this place that looked like Benchill after a nuclear explosion when the Mrs suddenly declares she is touching cloth, drawing mud and about to explode in her knickers. There are no public toilets in the Cape Flats...trust me on that one.
Our "guide" declares no worries, stops the bedford rascal, jumps out and knocks on door of this shack and explains to the coloured family that a bird from England would like to use their facillities. They invite us all in and the mrs disappears out the back, whilst our hosts make a cup of tea and produce a choccy cake. Meanwhile all we can all hear is the misses farting and thrutching through the corrugated iron walls. I nearly died trying not to laugh....it went on for fucking ages I can tell u. Anyway she re emerges and no one bats an eyelid and we have a brew and slice of cake and spent about 2 hours there, before they took us to the local Shebeen for a few scoops.

Imagine that kind of hospitality in Wythenshawe.

absolute class. cracking tale that will no doubt pass through generations of your family. ha ha. made me piss that!

 

[Rascal]

Sheff Wed away mid 80s in the FMC

I was driving a transit van with a sofa in the back for the lads, sat upfront was a friend of mine who happens to be a girl. Anyway she needed a piss and we were on Woodhead pass, so i pulled over for her, she got out and dropped her kecks just as i spotted a coach coming up behind us, so i pulled forwards and the whole coach saw her squatting down in the layby.

When we got to the ground she got a standing ovation from the lads on the coach :-))

I wasnt too popular for a while

 

[joe salford]

in Turkey somewhere with an ex years ago. Just eaten a baked spud from a stall some 200 yards away from the hotel (plush one) when the belly wobbles started. Clenching the cheeks i started walking like them you see in the olympic event toward the hotel, ex missus pissing herself laughing did'nt help.
Anyway literally walking up the steps to the main entrance it frikkin erupted! (you cannot walk up steps clenching your butt cheeks in flip flops - try it)

White shorts on, flip flops with an avalanche of thick bisto gushing from my hole. Ran through the marble floored reception towards the stairs up to the room. About 20 people checking in and looking in disgust as the brown stuff was being splattered all over reception by the flip flopping of my footwear.
Sat in the bath while she hosed me down for an hour. Woke up the next day to the overwhelming smell of bleach aroung reception area.
Used the rear entrance for the rest of the holiday.