''Dead wood'' at work

When I had my last proper job I was the Manager of a help desk, we had 90 plus engineers who installed and maintained Epos systems in the UK. The excuses for sickness, absenteeism and unpunctuality were astounding. We eventually compiled a "sickness and excuse" dossier on all the engineers. I used to sit in the "back to work interviews" for the North West engineers, it was fucking hilarious at times, the best one was:
Manager

"you rang in sick last Monday but said you would be back in a weeks time"


Engineer

"I'd had the same illness before, I knew it would be a week off"

Manager

"Your van was seen on the A55 going towards North Wales"

Engineer

"I went to the Doctors, he told me the sea air would be good for me"

Sacked, been there less than 2 years.
 
A fella started with us recently he obviously bluffed his way through the interview because he's thick as shit.
Anyway I had the pleasure of been stuck with him the other day I made up all the storage units and later that day I just asked him to screw wheels onto bottom of them. I told him "lock wheels and the front, Normal wheels to the back". Away he went screwing them on he only had 10 cabinets to do which sound really take less than 10 minutes he done 3 in about 30 minutes so i went over and said "These need to be finished by today what's taking so long?"
He replied "I screws the lock wheels to the back by accident".
I said "Just take them off and put them to the front!".
He then says "OK have you got another drill for me then?"
Me "Why do you need another drill?"

Him "Because this one only goes forwards".

I thought he was joking so I start laughing...But he was genuinely serious. Fucking dope.
 
Worked with a guy who in our IT helpdesk. He was a known bluffer. Told me was going to look at a printer in site and I replied no problem. Little while later rang and said printer sorted heading to another job in middle of palace (this was at Hampton court palace). I was standing up by window as about to make a coffee when he rang and said he was heading to middle of palace. I could see him sitting on bench by River Thames next to palace. I told him I could see him, he got up and hid behind a tree. We use HP and Ricoh printers and scanners. CEO's secretary rang to say issue with printer can someone take a look. He said he'd do it. Next day a Ricoh engineer turned up in site and was escorted to the printer. It was an HP with issue and he hadn't gone to look just took the IT ticket and rang for engineer. Issue was paper jam he could have fixed in few mins himself. He was caught stealing sweets and cupcakes people had brought in for various birthdays. Would walk with a limp saying leg sore could he sit and man desk all day. Boss left after him once and he limped until few mins from car park then jogged rest of the way. Caught sleeping in a little attic office he told the apprentice he was saying prayers and apprentice shouldn't be interrupting him. Apprentice swears he was sitting on chair, coat on, hood up, sound asleep. Prayer mat rolled up on floor next to him. Apprentice also said he'd knocked door before entering but there was no answer. He was gone not long before covid
 
Left my last place because they wouldn't review my pay despite smashing KPIs etc. Meanwhile they had some right dossers doing the same role as me but on a lot more bunse because they'd been there for so many years.

Surely competence/ performance should over rule years spent with a company.
 
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