If Chelsea manage to get a win the post match analysis should be done by Morgan Freeman in a presidential voice explaining how close we have come to catastrophe and how we should ensure we never let this kind of threat occur again.
My fellow cityzens of the world.
Today we came close to a global catastrophe.
The catastrophe that would have been global Dipperdom.
A world where nasal phlegmy "eh, lah, mate. Dey do doh don't dey doh" would have sounded from every sports news bulletin for years to come.
A world without the number 39, people would go from being 38 years old to 40 years old on their birthday.
A world where the 9th of June would be declared a day of global mourning.
We've had a close escape.
Banners. Flags. Statues everywhere wearing Nike baseball caps.
Meaningless poems and stupid songs droning on forever.
But now we must look to the future and first we must be prepared for a worldwide shortage of candles. A lake of melted wax meandering down the River Mersey. It's a small price to pay. Our children may have to forego candles on their birthday cake, bless them. Bless us all.