Favourite lines from Viz
- Thread starter -dabz-
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Aguerooooooo93:20
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Aguerooooooo93:20
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 17 Sep 2022
- Messages
- 600
- Team supported
- MCFC
600 × 420
lefty goldblatt
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Nebuchadnezzar
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Jack Black
Examples of Jack's adventures include:
Uncovering a milk hoarding scam involving asylum seekers.
Exhuming a deceased man's corpse so that he can prove that his child was conceived out of wedlock. (This episode decries sex before marriage as sinful, and has the man's widow ostracised by her parish priest and community on Easter Sunday - in contradiction to other episodes, where prostitution or teenage sex are the basis of Aunt Meg's business.)
Teaming up with a paedophile priest to frame a teacher as a paedophile, because the man is teaching safe sex to teenagers and this is supposedly blasphemous. The teacher is lynched by a mob, and Jack then assists his Aunt in performing illegal abortions.
Getting a charity worker arrested for holding a charity sale on a Sunday and having his guide dog destroyed.
Capturing a downed German fighter pilot and, disappointed at his Aunt's refusal to let him kick the German pilot "In the guts till his arse bleeds", defecting to become a Nazi supporter.
Getting his own aunt arrested for letting himself and his dog sing while she was playing piano without holding an entertainment licence.
Having a professor stripped naked, tarred and covered with old hair clippings before being paraded around in a cart for an hour while
Jack and the community burn down the local museum because the professor believed in evolution and not creationism.
Uncovering an Al-Qaeda cell after finding out that their vegetarian leader reads The Guardian newspaper and not the Daily Mail.
Using an obscure tax law to have a soup kitchen for the homeless closed down at Christmas as it is, in the words of the local vicar, 'rather ruining the Christmas atmos'.(sic)
Discovering a working class council estate in his aunt's idyllic village, and inducing its inhabitants to "move on" by closing down the local Co-Op store (thus removing their supply of cheap lager and cigarettes).
Jack achieved this by tricking the store's owner into selling lottery tickets to underage minors.
Having an impoverished war hero (who has been forced to sell all of his medals to pay the VAT on his heating bills) arrested for copyright fraud (to wit, making photocopies of newspaper articles for his scrapbook).
Discovering that the "chocolate cake" donated by an elderly lady to a church fayre contains less than the minimum chocolate content specified by European law, and should therefore have been called a "chocolate flavoured cake". The old lady is put in a pillory and pelted with Jack's aunt's rock cakes (which she comments she had fortunately overcooked), while onlookers shout obscenities. The local vicar yells "Take that, you cheating woman!" before hurling a cake at the poor old woman.
Uncovering an elaborate plot to steal books from the public library (by means of a tunnel drilled through several hundred feet of cliff) and sell them at a bookstall on the beach.
Discovering that a "dancing bear" exhibited in a travelling carnival is really Adolf Hitler in disguise. With the 'bear' gone, Jack then dressed the hapless Silver in a tutu and forced the dog to dance at the end of a whip.
Framing the owner of the local video rental shop by planting home made hardcore pornography amongst his stock after discovering that the shopkeeper was feeding Paula Radcliffe laxatives and then sending her to defecate in the garden of his aunt's brothel in order to drive her customers away from the brothel and ease their sexual frustrations by buying the softcore pornography he had to offer.
Upon discovering that Pete Doherty has moved into the area and then wondering why Meg's drug dealing business had not improved considerably, Jack and Silver investigate and find that the boat keeper in the local park is a rival dealer who is supplying Doherty's needs by way of an elaborate scheme involving the park pedal boats, a submarine and a fog machine. Jack and PC Brown then kill the rival dealer and beat up Doherty.
Discovering that a carol singer, who has used his earnings to buy Christmas presents for a local orphanage, has violated Sunday trading laws. (Both he and the orphans are arrested at gunpoint on Christmas morning, while Jack gets to keep all the presents himself.)
Befriending an elderly lady whose only companion is a goldfish, then having her thrown out of her retirement flat for keeping a pet without written permission. The goldfish is summararily executed by one of the local policemen stamping on him.
On finding out Meg (who is a member of the local Council) will have to return a brand new car and a large amount of money that she received as a backhander to allow a toxic waste dump to be built next to a school as the vote will not be unanimous, Jack breaks into the car of the only councillor who has voted against the proposed dump. He then promptly has the man arrested and thrown in prison for not declaring an interest in the issue; his daughter was a pupil at the school. Jack is too young to vote for the proposal, so Silver (who is three years old and therefore 21 in dog years) is appointed as a replacement council member instead to vote on Jack's behalf.
Examples of Jack's adventures include:
Uncovering a milk hoarding scam involving asylum seekers.
Exhuming a deceased man's corpse so that he can prove that his child was conceived out of wedlock. (This episode decries sex before marriage as sinful, and has the man's widow ostracised by her parish priest and community on Easter Sunday - in contradiction to other episodes, where prostitution or teenage sex are the basis of Aunt Meg's business.)
Teaming up with a paedophile priest to frame a teacher as a paedophile, because the man is teaching safe sex to teenagers and this is supposedly blasphemous. The teacher is lynched by a mob, and Jack then assists his Aunt in performing illegal abortions.
Getting a charity worker arrested for holding a charity sale on a Sunday and having his guide dog destroyed.
Capturing a downed German fighter pilot and, disappointed at his Aunt's refusal to let him kick the German pilot "In the guts till his arse bleeds", defecting to become a Nazi supporter.
Getting his own aunt arrested for letting himself and his dog sing while she was playing piano without holding an entertainment licence.
Having a professor stripped naked, tarred and covered with old hair clippings before being paraded around in a cart for an hour while
Jack and the community burn down the local museum because the professor believed in evolution and not creationism.
Uncovering an Al-Qaeda cell after finding out that their vegetarian leader reads The Guardian newspaper and not the Daily Mail.
Using an obscure tax law to have a soup kitchen for the homeless closed down at Christmas as it is, in the words of the local vicar, 'rather ruining the Christmas atmos'.(sic)
Discovering a working class council estate in his aunt's idyllic village, and inducing its inhabitants to "move on" by closing down the local Co-Op store (thus removing their supply of cheap lager and cigarettes).
Jack achieved this by tricking the store's owner into selling lottery tickets to underage minors.
Having an impoverished war hero (who has been forced to sell all of his medals to pay the VAT on his heating bills) arrested for copyright fraud (to wit, making photocopies of newspaper articles for his scrapbook).
Discovering that the "chocolate cake" donated by an elderly lady to a church fayre contains less than the minimum chocolate content specified by European law, and should therefore have been called a "chocolate flavoured cake". The old lady is put in a pillory and pelted with Jack's aunt's rock cakes (which she comments she had fortunately overcooked), while onlookers shout obscenities. The local vicar yells "Take that, you cheating woman!" before hurling a cake at the poor old woman.
Uncovering an elaborate plot to steal books from the public library (by means of a tunnel drilled through several hundred feet of cliff) and sell them at a bookstall on the beach.
Discovering that a "dancing bear" exhibited in a travelling carnival is really Adolf Hitler in disguise. With the 'bear' gone, Jack then dressed the hapless Silver in a tutu and forced the dog to dance at the end of a whip.
Framing the owner of the local video rental shop by planting home made hardcore pornography amongst his stock after discovering that the shopkeeper was feeding Paula Radcliffe laxatives and then sending her to defecate in the garden of his aunt's brothel in order to drive her customers away from the brothel and ease their sexual frustrations by buying the softcore pornography he had to offer.
Upon discovering that Pete Doherty has moved into the area and then wondering why Meg's drug dealing business had not improved considerably, Jack and Silver investigate and find that the boat keeper in the local park is a rival dealer who is supplying Doherty's needs by way of an elaborate scheme involving the park pedal boats, a submarine and a fog machine. Jack and PC Brown then kill the rival dealer and beat up Doherty.
Discovering that a carol singer, who has used his earnings to buy Christmas presents for a local orphanage, has violated Sunday trading laws. (Both he and the orphans are arrested at gunpoint on Christmas morning, while Jack gets to keep all the presents himself.)
Befriending an elderly lady whose only companion is a goldfish, then having her thrown out of her retirement flat for keeping a pet without written permission. The goldfish is summararily executed by one of the local policemen stamping on him.
On finding out Meg (who is a member of the local Council) will have to return a brand new car and a large amount of money that she received as a backhander to allow a toxic waste dump to be built next to a school as the vote will not be unanimous, Jack breaks into the car of the only councillor who has voted against the proposed dump. He then promptly has the man arrested and thrown in prison for not declaring an interest in the issue; his daughter was a pupil at the school. Jack is too young to vote for the proposal, so Silver (who is three years old and therefore 21 in dog years) is appointed as a replacement council member instead to vote on Jack's behalf.
dennishasdoneit
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- Joined
- 25 May 2008
- Messages
- 10,211
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- Manchester City FC.
" Me Chips"
I've dropped me Chips!"
I've dropped me Chips!"
Aguerooooooo93:20
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 17 Sep 2022
- Messages
- 600
- Team supported
- MCFC
Ohhhh me chalfonts :-)