Funniest/wittiest replies to a question

[The Stockport Iniesta]

10-12 years ago a lad hadn’t turned in for work, so I called him to see where he was

His reply was ‘I’m sick’

To which I asked ‘how sick’

He said ‘I’m in bed with my sister’ then hung up

Safe to say nobody cared why he was off after the belting answer he gave

Was the lad called Neymar?

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
P=Pilot S=Service Engineer

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement...S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.... S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit...S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent...S: Cannot reproduce the problem on the ground.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick...S: That’s what they’re for
P: Number 3 engine missing...S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny...S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious​

 

[Southern KK]

At a manger's meeting that had gone on a while, at the Any Other Business stage, one manager was complaining that the list of company cars he could choose from was too long for him to research properly and decide. The senior partner asked him if he could see the list and the manager handed this over. The partner look up and down the list with a concentrated manner, then turned the list 90 degrees, tore it in half and handed the top half back to the manager saying, "Does that make your life easier?"

 

[laserblue]

Australian fast bowler Glenn McGrath was getting wound up by not being able to get chunky Zimbabwean batsman Eddo Brandes out. In frustration he said to Brandes "Why are you so fat?"

To which Brandes in a flash replied "Because every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit".

 

[Tuearts right boot]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
P=Pilot S=Service Engineer

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement...S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.... S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit...S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent...S: Cannot reproduce the problem on the ground.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick...S: That’s what they’re for
P: Number 3 engine missing...S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny...S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious​

On a par with Jasper Carrots insurance claims.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Australian fast bowler Glenn McGrath was getting wound up by not being able to get chunky Zimbabwean batsman Eddo Brandes out. In frustration he said to Brandes "Why are you so fat?"

To which Brandes in a flash replied "Because every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit".

Been done on page 4

 

[BrianW]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
P=Pilot S=Service Engineer

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement...S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.... S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit...S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent...S: Cannot reproduce the problem on the ground.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick...S: That’s what they’re for
P: Number 3 engine missing...S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny...S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious​

This reminds me of the famous (steam) loco driver's fault report.

'Fit new engine to regulator handle.'

 

[kippaxwarrior]

Rod Marsh to Ian Botham

"How's your wife and my son?"

Botham replied

"The wife is fine and the kid is fucking retarded"

 

[laserblue]

Been done on page 4

Apologies for not reading through the entire thread before posting.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Apologies for not reading through the entire thread before posting.

Thank you