Joke of the day

[skankygash]

My old man has just bought a new hearing aid.
"its amazing" he said "I can hear stuff i've not heard for a long time"

"what kind is it?" I asked

"10 past 2" he replied.......

 

[BackofJeanette]

A woman is taking golf lessons. She had started her 1st round when she was stung by a bee. She went back into the clubhouse for help. Her golf pro asked why she was back so early. She told him of the bee sting. "where did it sting you?" he asked. "between the first and second hole." she said. He nodded and said "then your feet are too far apart"



Irishman, aussie and scouser in a bar, they spot Jesus sat on his own. They each send him a. drink & Jesus sups each pint slowly. When he's finished he walks over 2 the irishman, shakes his hand & thanks him for the guinness. "Blimey" sez the irishman, "my arthritis has gone". Jesus then thanks the aussie for the fosters. "Crikey" he sez. "me bad backs cured". Jesus approaches the scouser who runs away screaming

"FUCK OFF, I'M ON DISABILITY"!

 

[unsworthblue]

this scotch fella takes his wife n kids on holiday to Canada,they stay in a lovely log cabin and there is a moose head on the wall in the log cabin they are staying in,the kid asks his dad 'dad whats that on the wall?' to which the dad replied its a moose's head,the kid says 'fucking hell how big are the cats over here?'.

 

[johnmc]

this scotch fella takes his wife n kids on holiday to Canada,they stay in a lovely log cabin and there is a moose head on the wall in the log cabin they are staying in,the kid asks his dad 'dad whats that on the wall?' to which the dad replied its a moose's head,the kid says 'fucking hell how big are the cats over here?'.

Because moose and mouse sound kind of similar. Took me a while.

 

[talkativesprout]

City fan, Newcastle fan and Rag in a bar, they spot Jesus sat on his own. They each send him a. drink & Jesus sups each drink slowly. When he's finished he walks over 2 the city fan, shakes his hand & thanks him for the Boddies. "Blimey" sez the city fan, "my arthritis has gone". Jesus then thanks the Geordie for the Newkie brown. "why eie" he sez. "me bad backs reet good like". Jesus approaches the Rag throws his Watneys Red Barrel over his head and butts the **** in the face

"FUCK OFF,you rag cockney shit"!


Even Jesus hates the twats

edited for fun

 

[BackofJeanette]

City fan, Newcastle fan and Rag in a bar, they spot Jesus sat on his own. They each send him a. drink & Jesus sups each drink slowly. When he's finished he walks over 2 the city fan, shakes his hand & thanks him for the Boddies. "Blimey" sez the city fan, "my arthritis has gone". Jesus then thanks the Geordie for the Newkie brown. "why eie" he sez. "me bad backs reet good like". Jesus approaches the Rag throws his Watneys Red Barrel over his head and butts the **** in the face

"FUCK OFF,you rag cockney shit"!


Even Jesus hates the twats

HeHe!

Like it!

edited for fun

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

SSN have just conducted a survey outside old trafford and have found that 1 in 3 united fans is just as thick as the other 2.

 

[pablozabaleta]

I was watching a magician the other day, when he called me up on stage to help him perform his next trick.
The magician asked me for my watch and told me to place it in his right hand. He then told me to open my hands and hold a jam doughnut.

With a click of his fingers, my watch disappeared from his hands. He then asked 'what do you reckon is now inside the middle of that doughnut?'
The audience gasped in shock, no way could the watch be inside the doughnut. I turned round and said to the magician 'no way is my watch in the middle of that doughnut'

The magician replied 'Of course not you daft twat, it's jam in the middle'

;)

 

[Joycee Banercheck]

I was watching a magician the other day, when he called me up on stage to help him perform his next trick.
The magician asked me for my watch and told me to place it in his right hand. He then told me to open my hands and hold a jam doughnut.

With a click of his fingers, my watch disappeared from his hands. He then asked 'what do you reckon is now inside the middle of that doughnut?'
The audience gasped in shock, no way could the watch be inside the doughnut. I turned round and said to the magician 'no way is my watch in the middle of that doughnut'

The magician replied 'Of course not you daft twat, it's jam in the middle'

;)

So where was the watch?

 

[BackofJeanette]

Ive done my chores for the day...Just filled the dishwasher.


Or ''Made love'',as she calls it.