Joke of the Week!

What do the Metropolitan Police Armed Response Unit and a woman with an itchy crotch have in common?



















They're both terribly sorry they went for that Brazilian.
 
A man walks into his local pub and asks for a triple whisky, which he downs in one.
The barman says "What's up mate for you to be drinking like that?"
The man replies "I've just come home from work and found my best friend giving my wife one from behind"
"Oh shit" says the barman "What did you do?"
"Well I told my wife to pack her bags, fuck off and never come back"
"And what about your best friend?" the barman asks
"Well I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and told him......................











BAD DOG"
 
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure"? she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog, took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead"?0D
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now £150.
 
manchester blue said:
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure"? she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog, took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead"?0D
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now £150.


brill
 
My wife asked me this morning where I was taking her for her birthday.

Apparently 'Up the arse' isn't the correct answer.






Then the fight started...
 
David Beckham and Gary Neville are sitting watching the 5 'o' clock news where a man is threatening to jump off a bridge.

Beckham says to Gary Neville " I bet you £100 that he doesn't jump",

Gary Neville replies '"OK I bet you £100 that he DOES jump"

Sure enough the man jumped off of the bridge and killed himself.

Beckham gets out £100 and gives it to Gary.

Gary says "I can't take your money, it wouldn't be fair. You're my best mate and all that............ I had watched the 12 'o' clock news earlier and it was on then, so I knew he was going to jump"

Beckham replied "I watched the 12 'o' clock news as well but i didn't think that he would jump again"
 
manchester blue said:
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure"? she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog, took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead"?0D
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now £150.

PMSL
 

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