Joke thread

Pie said:
jimharri said:
When Batman was growing up, how did his mother get him to come in for his lunch?

She stood at the door and shouted, dinner, dinner dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner dinner, dinner. Baaaaatmaaaannnn, Baaaaatmaaaannnn, Baaaaatmaaaannnn.

Hat: ✓
Coat: ✓
sunglasses: ✓
False beard/tache combo: ✓
Taxi booked: ✓
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batman's parents are both dead, that's why he started crime fighting
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Should rename this the joker thread
 
Blue Mist said:
Pie said:
jimharri said:
When Batman was growing up, how did his mother get him to come in for his lunch?

She stood at the door and shouted, dinner, dinner dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner dinner, dinner. Baaaaatmaaaannnn, Baaaaatmaaaannnn, Baaaaatmaaaannnn.

Hat: ✓
Coat: ✓
sunglasses: ✓
False beard/tache combo: ✓
Taxi booked: ✓
Click to expand...



batman's parents are both dead, that's why he started crime fighting
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This was of course before his parents died, obviously and as for the poster that said Batman wasn't real ...... Pwaaahhhh.
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erm that poster has a name and its bluemc1, by day that is by night I'm.........oopppppsss nearly gave myself away then.....lets just say i was last seen outside Mary Dees
 
Blue Mist said:
foetus said:
jimharri said:
Yeah; I copied and pasted it and missed that bit!
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To be fair, there were many other problems with that 'joke'. But I think you knew that already. Hope that taxi took you far away.
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Perhaps if you changed it to ' to come in for his meal' it might work ?




Then again.
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Nah, that is what corky's landlady said to him.<br /><br />-- Tue Feb 18, 2014 5:30 pm --<br /><br />
Blue Mist said:
foetus said:
jimharri said:
Yeah; I copied and pasted it and missed that bit!
Click to expand...
To be fair, there were many other problems with that 'joke'. But I think you knew that already. Hope that taxi took you far away.
Click to expand...


Perhaps if you changed it to ' to come in for his meal' it might work ?




Then again.
Click to expand...

Nah, that is what corky's landlady said to him.
 
The woman from next door came around the other day to complain about clothes going missing from her washing line.



I nearly shit her pants.
 
156bzok.jpg
 
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature’s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So... they buried Debbie.
 
Angela Merkel flew into Poland on Saturday morning and was met at Customs...

"Name?"
"Angela Merkel."
"Age?"
"58."
"Nationality?"
"German"
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for the football."
 
jimharri said:
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature’s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So... they buried Debbie.
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Another 2 years went by and eventually they felt so disgusted by what they were doing, they dug her up again.
 
BillyBonds said:
Angela Merkel flew into Poland on Saturday morning and was met at Customs...

"Name?"
"Angela Merkel."
"Age?"
"58."
"Nationality?"
"German"
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for the football."
Click to expand...

That worked 18 months ago when the Euros were in Ukraine and Poland. Now though, I simply can't see why the German Premier would go to Poland to watch football. Is she a long standing supporter of Legia Warsaw? Has she got a distant relative playing for Widzew Lodz?
 
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a zoophile, a pyromanic and a necrophile are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat" said the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with a cat and then torture it" says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it and then kill it" shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again" said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it" said the pyromanic.


There was silence and then the masochist said: ''Miaow''.






I'm here all week!
 
citykev28 said:
BillyBonds said:
Angela Merkel flew into Poland on Saturday morning and was met at Customs...

"Name?"
"Angela Merkel."
"Age?"
"58."
"Nationality?"
"German"
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for the football."
Click to expand...

That worked 18 months ago when the Euros were in Ukraine and Poland. Now though, I simply can't see why the German Premier would go to Poland to watch football. Is she a long standing supporter of Legia Warsaw? Has she got a distant relative playing for Widzew Lodz?
Click to expand...


Is she Kazi Deyna's dad's lovechild?
 
A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi"..... not "wife".......
 
Peter Parker in a restaurant, calls the waiter over, says, 'Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.' Waiter says, 'You're welcome, sir.'
 
I see Paddy Power are taking bets on Oscar Pistorius murder trial.

9/2 if he's found guilty

1000/1 if he walks
 
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