Joke thread

[Dogtanian]

I turned down a job where I would be
paid in vegetables…

The celery was unacceptable!

 

[Dogtanian]

My nephew introduced me to his new girlfriend yesterday. Apparently she works at an abattoir…

She's a stunner!

 

[blue44]

 

[blue44]

 

[bladdered]

 

[KS55]

"I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta."

This is far from brilliant but was named as the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe by members of the public.

Right. Best one from the past was:
I’ve sold my hoover, it was just sitting in the corner gathering dust.

 

[blueish swede]

Right. Best one from the past was:
I’ve sold my hoover, it was just sitting in the corner gathering dust.

‘I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.’

 

[Vic]

"I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta."

This is far from brilliant but was named as the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe by members of the public.

I'm sure I heard that ages ago.

Not a patch on Tim Vine's winner.

Crime in multi storey car parks.
That's wrong on so many different levels.

 

[dickie davies]

I got a job in a condom factory and was told a perk of the job is, at the end of the working week you can take some condoms and have sex with one of the female employees
Friday arrives, I choose a lovely looking lady and take her into the staff room where she proceed to undo my trousers and started wanking me off
I said "what about the sex?"
She replied "you have to work a week in hand"

 

[yeseye]

Barristers in the UK are set to go on strike. Fuck em, I'll just make my own coffee at home