Joke thread

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

“What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.

“I get home... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable!

“The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation… She never got your email!”
 
A man and his wife moved back home to County Cork, from London.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £250.00 a year!

When they arrived in Bailieborough, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £250.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: ‘Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.'
 
A bloke is driving along a country lane when he sees a gypsy caravan on the side of the road with a sign saying, "readings £10 per person".

He pulls over thinking this could be interesting, and enters the caravan.

The old gypsy woman immediately grabs his hands, looks at them for a couple of seconds, and stares into the man's eyes.

She says, "Thriller, Pretty Woman, When Doves Cry , Stairway to Heaven."

"Wow", said the man, "that's amazing... they are my alll time favourite songs!"

Impressed, he says to her, "can you tell me my future?"

"I'm sorry" says the gypsy, "I am just a four tune teller"
 
A group of settlers were on the Oregon Trail

Their Indian guide repeatedly amazed them with his ability to find game and avoid hostile tribes.

One day, he reigned in his horse and jumped down and put his head to the ground.

“Buffalo come,” was all he said.

“How can you know that?” Asked one of the amazed settlers.

He looked up and replied “ear sticky.”
 
Dave took his wife Sheila and her sister Mandy away for a weekend in their caravan.

"Any chance of a blow job?" Dave whispered to his wife when they were in bed.

"For fuck's sake, Dave!" she hissed, "Mandy's in the bed over there!"

"Good point," he said... "Mandy? Any chance of a blow job?"
 
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America and really wanted to see a baseball game, so he sneaked across the border.

When he got to the baseball stadium, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to be able to look over the wall.

When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"America is nicest, friendliest, most welcoming place in the world!!" he said.

"Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
 
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress.

One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so boring, we never have any fun anymore. For £5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a £5.00 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show.

Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and whistling.

The naked and smiling old lady then came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

She replied, "I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"
 
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