Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
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Big Swifty
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- 8 Nov 2011
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What were the two worst winters in living memory?
Mike and Bernie
(one for the oldies)
Mike and Bernie
(one for the oldies)
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
I went to the barbers and asked for a haircut like Tom Cruise.
They gave me a big cushion to sit on.
They gave me a big cushion to sit on.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A Jewish man gets hit by a car.
A passing pedestrian calls 999 and another rolls up his jacket and puts it under the man’s head.
He asks “Are you comfortable?“
The Jewish man replies, “oy...I make a living”
A passing pedestrian calls 999 and another rolls up his jacket and puts it under the man’s head.
He asks “Are you comfortable?“
The Jewish man replies, “oy...I make a living”
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Darth Vader walks into a record shop and asks if they have a copy of George Michael's first studio album.
The clerk says they are sold out, and Vader says,.... "I find your lack of Faith disturbing"
The clerk says they are sold out, and Vader says,.... "I find your lack of Faith disturbing"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They’re mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?"
"That’s a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.
The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They’re mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?"
"That’s a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.
The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Mary comes home after taking baby Jesus for a walk.
Joseph has a warm pie on the table. He cuts Mary a peice of pie and she is thrilled by how amazing it tastes. So she asks Joseph, “Where did you get this pie from?”
Joseph tells Mary “I baked it!”
“You baked it?” Says Mary.
“Yes, right here in our home from scratch!” Says Joseph.
Mary looks at him confused then says “But we don’t have an oven.”
So Joseph looks her straight in the eyes and say “God helped me.”
Mary looks at Joseph annoyed, “Please, not this again.” as Joseph screams
“YOU SEE HOW THAT SOUNDS MARY?!?!?!?”
Joseph has a warm pie on the table. He cuts Mary a peice of pie and she is thrilled by how amazing it tastes. So she asks Joseph, “Where did you get this pie from?”
Joseph tells Mary “I baked it!”
“You baked it?” Says Mary.
“Yes, right here in our home from scratch!” Says Joseph.
Mary looks at him confused then says “But we don’t have an oven.”
So Joseph looks her straight in the eyes and say “God helped me.”
Mary looks at Joseph annoyed, “Please, not this again.” as Joseph screams
“YOU SEE HOW THAT SOUNDS MARY?!?!?!?”
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
An old man tells his doctor that his wife never has an orgasm while they are having sex.
The doctor suggests that perhaps she is overheating. So when the man gets home he asks his young and good-looking gardener to assist by waving a towel to cool off his wife while they are having sex. The gardener is reluctant but agrees.
While the couple is having sex, the gardener frantically waves the towel to cool off the woman, but she does not have an orgasm.
The old man suggests that he and the gardener switch places. Again the gardener is reluctant, but agrees, and makes wild love to the woman.
The woman reaches a screaming climax like none she has ever had in her entire life.
The old man turns to the gardener and says, "And THAT, young man, is how you wave a towel!"
The doctor suggests that perhaps she is overheating. So when the man gets home he asks his young and good-looking gardener to assist by waving a towel to cool off his wife while they are having sex. The gardener is reluctant but agrees.
While the couple is having sex, the gardener frantically waves the towel to cool off the woman, but she does not have an orgasm.
The old man suggests that he and the gardener switch places. Again the gardener is reluctant, but agrees, and makes wild love to the woman.
The woman reaches a screaming climax like none she has ever had in her entire life.
The old man turns to the gardener and says, "And THAT, young man, is how you wave a towel!"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me... is this yours?"
The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me... is this yours?"
The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
Uwe Already
Well-Known Member
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her anything.
When she asked me why, I told her "You still haven't used the present I bought you last year!"
The next year, I didn't buy her anything.
When she asked me why, I told her "You still haven't used the present I bought you last year!"
bluetonium
Well-Known Member
In honour of James Earl Jones...
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites tarm Methodists are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
The second Irishman says "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the poor girls must have died."
The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites tarm Methodists are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
The second Irishman says "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the poor girls must have died."
Got my son with that, the last time it was posted. :-)
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.
The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment
"We have already appointed a nanny who is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers were finally satisfied and asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter ... as long as they fit in the cannon."
The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment
"We have already appointed a nanny who is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers were finally satisfied and asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter ... as long as they fit in the cannon."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Two monkeys are in a bath.
One says “ooh ooh ooh ahh ahh ahh”
The other responds “put some cold water in then!”
One says “ooh ooh ooh ahh ahh ahh”
The other responds “put some cold water in then!”
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Little known fact...
Hitler had a secret army made up of of Nazi midgets.
They were called The 1/3 Reich
Hitler had a secret army made up of of Nazi midgets.
They were called The 1/3 Reich
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
An woman's car breaks down on the side of a remote road late one night.
A tow truck passes by and stops to give some assistance.
The woman tells the tow truck driver, "Thank you so much for stopping. My phone is dead and I'm stranded. I'll do anything for some help."
The driver replies, "No problem at all, ma'am. I'm happy to help."
The woman reiterates, "I don't have any money on me but I'll do anything you'd like. Just please help me get back home."
The driver tells her, " Don't wory, just sit right there in the car and I'll get you taken care of."
He begins hooking up the car to his tow truck.
A few minutes later the driver walks back to the woman in the car and asks, "have you ever been towed before?"
The woman says, "No, but I've been fingered a few times."
A tow truck passes by and stops to give some assistance.
The woman tells the tow truck driver, "Thank you so much for stopping. My phone is dead and I'm stranded. I'll do anything for some help."
The driver replies, "No problem at all, ma'am. I'm happy to help."
The woman reiterates, "I don't have any money on me but I'll do anything you'd like. Just please help me get back home."
The driver tells her, " Don't wory, just sit right there in the car and I'll get you taken care of."
He begins hooking up the car to his tow truck.
A few minutes later the driver walks back to the woman in the car and asks, "have you ever been towed before?"
The woman says, "No, but I've been fingered a few times."