Joke thread

[meltonblue]

 

[Lavinda Past]

How can you get pulled off a flight after take-off? Did they get parachutes?

The plane obviously turned round and landed after the pilot took over from the girlfriend on the joystick

 

[Lavinda Past]

The missus was admiring her new earrings I had made for her and said " Wow, these are the dogs bollocks!"

I said "Yes...maybe that'll make the bugger think twice about barking all night."

 

[Lavinda Past]

I asked a woman for a date once, but she refused, saying that I had a face like the back of a boat.

I didn't reply, I just gave her a stern look.

 

[talkativesprout]

Fucking amateurs. I laughed more when I had my kidney removed.

After reading your jokes are you sure it was yer Kidneys and not yer funny-bone?



Keep going man, I'm a 50+ yr old Dad of 3 and your stuff is better than waterboarding when we go out on a long drive ;)

 

[BimboBob]

After reading your jokes are you sure it was yer Kidneys and not yer funny-bone?



Keep going man, I'm a 50+ yr old Dad of 3 and your stuff is better than waterboarding when we go out on a long drive ;)

You want proper waterboarding son? Do you? DO YOU? I'll bring the pain.








Sorry, I meant watersports.

 

[talkativesprout]

You want proper waterboarding son? Do you? DO YOU? I'll bring the pain.








Sorry, I meant watersports.

lol....I have done a lot of drugs


I have also played

Watersports

Like a finger up the anus...Its a sensation that has multiple excitement profiles

 

[Casey69]

A guy came home from the pub pissed up with cowshit all over his head !
His wife said what have you been doing? He said I took a short cut over the farmers field on my way home, my cap blew off and I had to try twenty others on before I found it !

 

[Lavinda Past]

A grocer in a small corner shop was making out with his younger female assistant behind the counter when the shop bell rang as a customer entered the store.

The assistant had her back to the door and quickly moved sideways and into the back room to adjust her clothing.

The grocer moved forward and covered his state of undress below the waist by stepping behind the cash register.

The customer, a lady, walks up to the counter: “You look very flush Mr Brown!” She said to the grocer.

“Well, Mrs. Smith" he says quietly.... "between the two of us, I’ve just come into some money”

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Jazzman]

View attachment 133235

Love that electric is not an option!

 

[Lavinda Past]

I went the supermarket today and saw an alien having a wank in the frozen veg aisle.

I said to him, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

He replied, "We come in peas."

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate went to a really cheap tattooist last week. I told him that I'd heard the bloke was terrible, but he didn’t listen.

He came back with disappointment written all over his face.

 

[RadcliffeRick]

Love that electric is not an option!

They weren't invented when that joke first came out.

 

[Zuriblue]

 

[Zuriblue]

 

[Zuriblue]

 

[HorlocksWalk]

I went the supermarket today and saw an alien having a wank in the frozen veg aisle.

I said to him, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

He replied, "We come in peas."

Cmon Lav, surely you are going to follow it up with the bloke with his cock in some yellow liquid reading the Daily Mail and the "I am Fucking dis custard" punch line

 

[Zuriblue]

 

[Lavinda Past]

Cmon Lav, surely you are going to follow it up with the bloke with his cock in some yellow liquid reading the Daily Mail and the "I am Fucking dis custard" punch line

I can't hear you very well atm...

I've got jelly in one ear and custard in the other, so I'm a trifle deaf.