Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
kippaxneil
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- Joined
- 10 May 2007
- Messages
- 316
I spent the last three days, alone, trying to learn escapology. I think I need to get out more.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
I was in a restaurant the other day with my missus and the waitress came to our table and started singing...
'You've done too much, much too young, now you're married with a son when you should be having fun with me'
Then she asked iwe were ready to order....
I said not yet... can i hear the Specials again please..
'You've done too much, much too young, now you're married with a son when you should be having fun with me'
Then she asked iwe were ready to order....
I said not yet... can i hear the Specials again please..
Alan Harper's Tash
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- Joined
- 12 Dec 2010
- Messages
- 69,671
My wife said she's leaving me for 14 reasons and my obsession with tennis.
I said that's 15 love.
I said that's 15 love.
jimharri
Moderator
An Irishman walks into a bar. He orders two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.
The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.
He continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, “How come you always order exactly two shots?”
The Irishman replies, “well, you see my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he lives across the country now, so every night, I order two drinks. One for myself, and one for my brother.”
Things remain the same for a while until one day the Irishman comes in and orders only one shot. The bartender becomes concerned and asks him “how come you’re only ordering one shot? Did something happen to your brother? Is he ok?”
The Irishman replies, “of course not, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking”
The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.
He continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, “How come you always order exactly two shots?”
The Irishman replies, “well, you see my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he lives across the country now, so every night, I order two drinks. One for myself, and one for my brother.”
Things remain the same for a while until one day the Irishman comes in and orders only one shot. The bartender becomes concerned and asks him “how come you’re only ordering one shot? Did something happen to your brother? Is he ok?”
The Irishman replies, “of course not, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking”
A guy goes into a pub orders a pint of bitter , takes a drink then says PISS !
Puts the glass down then walks out, this happens every day for a week the landlord loses his patience and when the guy orders a pint of bitter the landlord says PISS OFF !
The guy says oh! I’ll have a pint of lager then !
Puts the glass down then walks out, this happens every day for a week the landlord loses his patience and when the guy orders a pint of bitter the landlord says PISS OFF !
The guy says oh! I’ll have a pint of lager then !
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A driver found guilty of leading police on a high-speed chase admitted it was “fifteen minutes of madness” that caused him to do it.
The judge said that he did not apply the maximum sentence as the Police confirmed that they found 'Driving in my car' stuck on a loop on his CD player
The judge said that he did not apply the maximum sentence as the Police confirmed that they found 'Driving in my car' stuck on a loop on his CD player
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
The police are looking for witnesses to a hit and run round our way last Friday night.
I didn't see anything when I was out on Friday but it wouldn't surprise me if it was the same **** who threw his bike under my car.
I didn't see anything when I was out on Friday but it wouldn't surprise me if it was the same **** who threw his bike under my car.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
I saw a poor old lady fall down some stairs today.
I know she was poor because I only found a couple of quid when I nicked her purse.
I know she was poor because I only found a couple of quid when I nicked her purse.
Bigg Bigg Blue
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Drivers have been advised to avoid Liverpool city centre after a lorry carrying a large delivery of electrical goods shed its load.
Police expect the road to be closed for at least 3 minutes.
Police expect the road to be closed for at least 3 minutes.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
I've just read about a couple who advertised a laptop on Facebook Marketplace and a bloke turned up and conned them out of it with a fake banking app on his phone.
They said that not only had they lost £700, they also felt violated by him being in their home...
Anyway, does anyone want to buy a laptop?
They said that not only had they lost £700, they also felt violated by him being in their home...
Anyway, does anyone want to buy a laptop?
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
My mate met this new bird in the pub and they really hit it off.
He took her out clubbing the next day but he said she left immediately and he's not heard from her since. She's ignoring all his texts and phone calls
Bit harsh. He even said she could keep a few of the seals
He took her out clubbing the next day but he said she left immediately and he's not heard from her since. She's ignoring all his texts and phone calls
Bit harsh. He even said she could keep a few of the seals
Uwe Already
Well-Known Member
I went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered from the specials menu - they gave me too much foo young
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A young woman was telling her friend that he had a developed a strange condition where she was having an orgasm whenever she sneezed.
"What are you taking for it," her friend asked.
"Black pepper."
"What are you taking for it," her friend asked.
"Black pepper."
Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
King Charles arrives home following short visit to Turkey...
