Joke thread

[Mad Eyed Screamer]

I walked into B&Q this morning and a worker wearing an orange company outfit came up and asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately I got the first punch in and floored the twat, I just thought I'd warn others to be on your guard....

 

[Blue Mist]

I walked into B&Q this morning and a worker wearing an orange company outfit came up and asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately I got the first punch in and floored the twat, I just thought I'd warn others to be on your guard....

They do say the old ones are the best.






Unfortunately this 'joke' is the exception that proves the rule.

 

[jimharri]

I was working in a library and this bloke came in and said "Have you got a bookmark?"
I said "We've got hundreds of them but my name is Tim"

I was working in a library and this bloke came in and said "Have you got a bookmark?"
I said "Yeah..War and Peace, 3 out of 10"

I was working in a library and this bloke came in and said "Have you got a bookmark?"
I said "See this bruise? Somebody hit me with a bible."

I was working in a library and this bloke came in and said "Have you got a bookmark?"
I said "As a qualified referee I feel Mark deserved his yellow card, so yes I've got to book Mark.



sorry

I'm glad you aplogised because I was getting in my car to hunt you down

***tunes into loose women,unzips fly.... ****

Is Colleen Nolan still on there? MILF-able!

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

Apparetly a carton of cream was found next to Peaches, prompting the police to believe that she did top herself.

 

[Carstairs]

haha

10/10

 

[moonshiner]

WARNING. There is a virus going around on facebook where you get an inbox claiming you've won a years supply of meat. If you get one ignore it........ It's spam.

 

[ali benarbia's studs]

***tunes into loose women,unzips fly.... ****

Is Colleen Nolan still on there? MILF-able!

ahhh..... twas a reference to corky.

never ever watched it jim!?

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

She was only the Yorkshireman's daughter, but she liked her uddersfield.

She was only the cricketer's daughter but she knew how to handle a full toss.

She was only the tobacconist's daughter, but she was the best bit of shag in the shop.

She was only the fishmonger's daughter, but she laid on the slab and said fillet.

 

[kashmir]

She was only the Admirals daughter but her naval was always full of discharged seamen

 

[mad4city]

He was only a butcher's son but he soon had a steak in the joint.

 

[Mad Eyed Screamer]

She was only a politicians daughter, but she certainly taught Sir Geoffrey Howe

 

[oakiecokie]

She was only the lambs mother ,,, but boy did she fuck !!

 

[BlueOz]

"The Italian who went to Malta "

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning i go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress i wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss.. I tella her i wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss ona plate. You sonna ma bitch.. I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch..
Later i go to eat at the bigga restaurant..The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock.. I tella her i wanna fock. She tella me every one wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock onna the table, you sonna ma bitch. So i go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed..I calla the manager and tella him i wanna shit. He tella me to go to the toilet.. I say you no understand.. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch...
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say; " Peace on you " I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch.. I gonna go back to Italy......!!!!

 

[billymumphrey]

"The Italian who went to Malta "

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning i go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress i wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss.. I tella her i wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss ona plate. You sonna ma bitch.. I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch..
Later i go to eat at the bigga restaurant..The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock.. I tella her i wanna fock. She tella me every one wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock onna the table, you sonna ma bitch. So i go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed..I calla the manager and tella him i wanna shit. He tella me to go to the toilet.. I say you no understand.. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch...
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say; " Peace on you " I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch.. I gonna go back to Italy......!!!!

I guess that's how you make a maltese cross...

 

[Ancient Citizen]

She was only the Fishmonger's daughter,
But she lay on the slab and said fillet.

 

[Anonymous]

She was an acrobat's daughter
She swung by her teeth from a noose
And then one day
Her brace-work gave way
And she flew through the air like a goose

 

[Ancient Citizen]

She was only the Fishmonger's daughter,
But she lay on the slab and said fillet.

One page back. Same joke

Still shit

Sorry, twat, didn't check.
Let's hear one of your rib-ticklers then.

 

[lostmyhouseski]

what is the bear minimum?

one bear

sorry

 

[manclad]

She was only a welders daughter,but she had acetylene tits.

 

[crazyg]

The worst Limerick ever!

There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in the .......river
A man in a punt
Stuck a pole in her ............stomach
And said "you can't swim here, it's private"!


Told you.