Joke thread

[BELLENDER]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

 

[BELLENDER]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law
to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom.
Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,
but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.
Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that twat, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one. “

 

[onelife]

linesmen at white hart lane to the utd players. Go and applaud your fans they have spent £2.50 on the tube to get here !!!

 

[ChrisNUFC]

Can't believe how thick the snow is out there.

i just asked a snow man for the time and the he just stared at me.

 

[Seosa]

linesmen at white hart lane to the utd players. Go and applaud your fans they have spent £2.50 on the tube to get here !!!

Nice

 

[ChrisNUFC]

girl sucking a geordies cock

wye eye pet you cock tastes like coconut



aye lass

its bountee

Not bad. Here's some similar ones:

A lorryload of terrapins on its way to Sea World has overturned in Newcastle, local police described the scene as turtle mayhem.


Women goes into a hairdresser's in Newcastle and asks for a perm.

Hairdresser says "Ah wondad lurnly as a clowd."


"Is tharra cake or a meringue?"

"Nerr yi' were reet the forst time"

 

[Bluemoon dan]

girl sucking a geordies cock

wye eye pet you cock tastes like coconut



aye lass

its bountee

Not bad. Here's some similar ones:

A lorryload of terrapins on its way to Sea World has overturned in Newcastle, local police described the scene as turtle mayhem.


Women goes into a hairdresser's in Newcastle and asks for a perm.

Hairdresser says "Ah wondad lurnly as a clowd."

"Is tharra cake or a meringue?"

"Nerr yi' were reet the forst time"

Love that one!

 

[Seosa]

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We’ll see about that.

 

[Pride_In_Battle]

girl sucking a geordies cock

wye eye pet you cock tastes like coconut



aye lass

its bountee

Not bad. Here's some similar ones:

A lorryload of terrapins on its way to Sea World has overturned in Newcastle, local police described the scene as turtle mayhem.


Women goes into a hairdresser's in Newcastle and asks for a perm.

Hairdresser says "Ah wondad lurnly as a clowd."

"Is tharra cake or a meringue?"

"Nerr yi' were reet the forst time"

Love that one!

Made me chortle!

 

[pendlebury blue]

Just had a masive shit after eating a Tesco burger. It was good to firm,soft in places.