Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

I used to have an unhealthy obsession with plumbing parts but, after years of therapy, I finally got it out my cistern.

 

[Kinkybyname]

I used to have an unhealthy obsession with plumbing parts but, after years of therapy, I finally got it out my cistern.

was it driving u round the bend?

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate plucked up the courage to join Hypochondriacs Anonymous.

He said that the hardest part was standing up in front of everyone and admitting he don't have a problem.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I'm prepared to argue that more people should play the Double Bass.

There's a big case for it.

 

[Lavinda Past]

When we were kids, my brother always grabbed the lion's share of everything.

Eventually it lost patience and mauled him to death.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate hurt himself going through a turnstyle in Thailand.

Bangkok?

No, his elbow.

 

[noblelord]

 

[Lavinda Past]

My girlfriend got attacked by a marsupial in a zoo in Malaysia.

"Kuala Lumpur?"

"No, a kangaroo kicked her up the arse".

 

[Lavinda Past]

My grandad always said, "live every day like it's your last."

Silly bugger wasted the last five years of his life lying in a coffin.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Better out than in my old grandad used to say.

Great bloke, shit tennis coach.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate just phoned me in tears.

His wife just left him taking his Bob Marley CDs and the satellite dish.

Poor bastard.

No woman no sky

 

[Lavinda Past]

My Dad never gave anyone any shit.

Lovely bloke, rubbish manure salesman.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A bloke in a yellow jersey just pedalled past me on the autoroute from Calais.

His face was twitching like mad and he was going one hell of a speed, chased by a pack of cyclists all screaming "fuck you, ****, wanker, bastard, prick..."

I think it was the Tourettes de France.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but;

Imagine there's no heav - imagine there's no heav - imagine there's no heav - imagine there's no heav-

 

[Lavinda Past]

I was in a restaurant in Paris and ordered the 'Napoleon Chicken.'

When the dish arrived, I was surprised to find very little meat on it, and it was mainly carcass.

I asked the waiter why, and he said 'We only use the 'Boneypart'

 

[Lavinda Past]

"Emma from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone." Paddy said to his wife.

"That's great," she beamed, "So, what did she have?"

Paddy replied, "One of those flip Samsungs."

 

[Lavinda Past]

#Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak somewhere in this town.#

I'm no Sherlock Holmes but I think the jail might be a good shout.

 

[Robinho's Subbuteo]

 

[noblelord]

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate's wife left him yesterday because of his obsession with the Beatles.

He heard that she's staying with her sister on the Isle of Wight, so he's going there to beg her to come hone.

He told me he's got a ticket to Ryde.