Joke thread

[Xhavenjoe]

I have long hoped that Will Self would marry an Indian woman called Shatma

Or if Stevie Nicks married William Shatner she'd be Stevie Shatner Nicks

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[KS55]

Brilliant.

 

[blue44]

View attachment 136317

 

[Sam101]

My girlfriend always insists that I text her when I get in.


That’s how small my cock is.

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Big Swifty]

View attachment 136331

44 years, actually

 

[Big Swifty]

I was watching countdown earlier and that Rachel Riley was in a very short skirt.

I got aroused.

Only seven letters, but not bad for a first attempt.

I got tumescent. That's a nine.

(look it up if you don't know what it means)

 

[Big Swifty]

View attachment 136242View attachment 136243View attachment 136244View attachment 136245View attachment 136246

 

[Big Swifty]

This "pour me a glass" joke was the very first joke on the joke thread and dates back to 2011 (se page one of the joke thread).

Can we give it a decent burial?

 

[Lavinda Past]

Just played a couple of games of football down the local quarry. We won 3-1.

On aggregate.

 

[Tuearts right boot]

Just played a couple of games of football down the local quarry. We won 3-1.

On aggregate.

That's going to stay with me for the rest of the day......

 

[KS55]

I got tumescent. That's a nine.

(look it up if you don't know what it means)

I got ejaculate which is also nine but much better than mere tumescence.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Anyone interested in a free ride in a Helicopter and lunch on a yacht?

It's a trip for 4 people, and I’m still looking for 2 more to join us.

We leave early Sunday morning from Manchester and will fly to Poole where we will have a late breakfast and then onto a luxuey yacht for lunch.

Then we’ll do a flight over the Isle of Wight and return to Poole for dinner, then fly back to Manchester.

If interested please message me ASAP!


(Preferably someone who has a helicopter and luxury yacht; otherwise we can’t go)

 

[Big Swifty]

Because of melting glaciers, mountaineers have had to ascend Mount Everest by an alternate route.

A clear indication of climb it change.

I think you mean "alternative".

"Alternate" means every other, e.g. "I work on alrnate Saturdays", that is, every other Saturday.

Just thought you'd like to know.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My grandad never used to mind if people came round while he was working

Lovely man, shit anaesthetist

 

[Lavinda Past]

I think you mean "alternative".

"Alternate" means every other, e.g. "I work on alrnate Saturdays", that is, every other Saturday.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Someone once called me illiterate.

Bollocks. My parents had been married three years when they had me.