Joke thread

[SamTheGuru]

Is there any way you can use previous tickets as evidence for compensation?

Definitely can, but only found out on Thursday because the e-mail went into my junk mail. Unfortunately I have been too busy to do anything about it. It has been a real dampener unfortunately.

 

[Grassland Blue]

Extract from the Irish highway code.

Single yellow line = No parking during restricted hours

Double yellow = No parking at all.

Triple yellow = No parking at all at all.....

 

[Lavinda Past]

Some lads working at our local supermarket have started a 'Mott The Hoople' tribute band....

They're called 'Aldi Young Dudes'.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A contestant on the Australian Bake Off made a meringue, and the TV studio audience cheered, which is unusal as they usually boo meringues.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I've never seen the film The Hunt For Red October.

I don't watch films with sub titles.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Daley Thompson, Tessa Sanderson, and Steve Cram are all round at Seb Coe's house for tea.

Steve brought the fish, Tessa brought the chips, Daley brought the peas and Seb provided the salt and vinegar.

Suddenly there is a knock at the door so Seb gets up to answer. "Who is it?", asks
everyone in unison.

"It's Fatima wi t'bread."

 

[Lavinda Past]

We didn’t have much growing up, I once had my birthday party at the local laundrette.

The highlight of the day was playing pass the Persil.

 

[Lavinda Past]

What’s the difference between a cyst and a polyp?

A cyst can’t put the kettle on…

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

Glenn Close / Glenn Close but no cigar

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Casey69]

As the shoes were glass she would have sweated more than were she wearing a breathable shoe so that could account for slipping. Style over comfort it seems but at least she got the prince in the end so all was well.

Don’t get me started on Humpty Dumpty that’s a health and safety nightmare!

 

[Vienna_70]

Don’t get me started on Humpty Dumpty that’s a health and safety nightmare!

And Jack Horner, putting stuff in his mouth that he has no idea where it came from.

It could be poisonous.

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

Just hope it's not Suzy Eddie Izzard riding it...

Fuck, never thought of that, back to the drawing board

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate's missus just had a baby boy. They've called him Lance.

He said they wanted him to have a name that wasn't very common.

I told him that in the middle ages, people were named Lance a lot.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate told me he was trying for a job as a professional scrabble player.

I said that if he needs a reference, I'll put in a good word for him.

 

[Casey69]

And Jack Horner, putting stuff in his mouth that he has no idea where it came from.

It could be poisonous.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water? … yeah sure! We all believe that…
More like a leg over !

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

From David Bernstines book

 

[Lavinda Past]

I was at the zoo the other day and all the animals were being fed. It was really quiet, apart from a bluesy jazz song coming from one if the enclosures.

Apparently it was Elephant Gerald singing to his mates.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A man was sitting peacefully, reading his newspaper, when his wife suddenly walked up behind him and smacked him on the head with a magazine.

**"What was that for?!"** he asked, rubbing his head.

**"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Laura Lou’ on it!"** she snapped.

**"Oh, that? Honey, that was the name of a horse I bet on at the races two weeks ago!"** he explained.

She paused, then sighed. **"Oh… I’m sorry. I should have known there was a logical explanation."**

All was forgiven—until three days later.

While he was watching TV, she walked up and knocked him out cold with a cast iron skillet.

When he finally came to, he groaned, **"What the hell was that for?!"**

She crossed her arms and said, **"Your horse just called."**