Joke thread

[sir baconface]

I've just 'liked' 2 jokes from 11 years ago.

Funny how doing something like that can really bring home what a futile existence a person leads... :-(

You should worry, mate. The only decent shag I ever had was a piece of floor covering.

 

[mrcunny]

 

[Sam101]

‘My wife’s on holiday just south of London’



‘Surrey?’



‘I SAID, MY WIFE’S ON HOLIDAY JUST SOUTH OF LONDON!’

 

[Sam101]

'My wife has just been on a weeks holiday to Poole'



"In Dorset?"



'Yes,she'd recommend it to anyone'

 

[LWashington]

75 year old Alf comes home from golf and tells his wife, "I'll have to give up golf my eyesight's going, every time I hit long drive, I can never see where the ball lands."

His wife says, "Why not take my brother George, he's 85 but his eyesight is perfect, he'll tell you where the ball landed."

The following day George accompanies Alf to the course and Alf hits a screaming long drive off the first tee.

"Did you see where that went George?" enquires Alf.

"Yes I followed it all the way.",answers George.

"Where exactly did it land?", asks Alf.

"I can't remember.", replies George.

 

[noseve]

I can't stand those Russian dolls - they're all so full of themselves...

 

[noseve]

 

[Big Swifty]

‘My wife’s on holiday just south of London’



‘Surrey?’



‘I SAID, MY WIFE’S ON HOLIDAY JUST SOUTH OF LONDON!’

My wife's gone to Indonesia

Jakarta?

No, she went by plane....

 

[Big Swifty]

I know this young woman from a university in North Wales.

Bangor?

No, we're just good friends

 

[LWashington]

My mate's going for joint surgery in Suffolk.

Ipswich ?

No knee replacement.

 

[LWashington]

My wife's leaving me because she says I'm completely unsympathetic to her chronic constipatation, making constant jokes about it.

I said,"Nonsense, you're so full of shit!!".

 

[Uwe Already]

My wife and I had a massive argument, she claimed that I was “too careful with money” - she got so angry that she went into the kitchen and ripped up all our dinner plates!

 

[lefty goldblatt]

 

[balotellishaircut]

My internet went down yesterday so I had a conversation with the wife.


I was surprised to find out she no longer works at Woolworths.

 

[balotellishaircut]

I hired a hooker in Hong Kong last year and I said to her “ let’s do something weird”

We went to her room and I asked her to get naked and stand on her head in the corner.

After 10 mins she said “ I thought we were going to do something weird “

I replied “ I already have, I had a shit in your purse “

 

[noseve]

This whisky diet is brilliant - only been on it for a month, but lost 5 days already...



Man walks into a chippy and asks for cod & chips, twice - "yes, ok mate - I heard you the first time!"

RIP Tommy Cooper

 

[bladdered]

 

[noseve]

My neighbour just bought a chameleon that cannot change colour.

It's a reptile dysfunction.

*****

Whether to gallop or to canter, that is Equestrian

 

[noseve]

 

[LWashington]

My wife fell off her bike on the A34 just south of Stoke.

Tittensor ?

Yes and she has lots of bruises on her arse aswell.