Joke thread

I am not saying I was ugly as a baby, but every time my mother showed someone a picture of mine, they said,

"nice frame."



Pop stars, TV personalities and now MPs guilty of bum fiddling no wonder us children of the 70/80s bang on about playing outside all day.........

who the fuck would have wanted to go indoors
 
You know people with guns who say "Give me your money." You've gotta hand it to them haven't you.

I bet my mate £10 that I could beat him in a 100 meter race. I didn't win, but I gave him a run for his money.

My best mate is a pigeon. He's constantly sticking his neck out for me.
 
My poor pet possum lay there dead for a week before I realized. I thought he was just playing.

Pablo Zabaleta hit me in the face with a canoe paddle. I was absolutely oar struck.

Didn't want to my wife find out that I had won on the horses, the dogs and the lottery, so I shoved all the winnings into the privets. Well you gotta hedge your bets.

That Robocop has a bit of sharp tongue hasn't he. Shoots from the hip that fella.
 
I was at an orchestra when the conductor said "The tuba player is sick, can anybody here play the tuba!?"
I said "Excuse me! I am, without doubt, the single greatest brass musician in existence. Nobody even comes close to my skills and talent. I could play it 10 times better than the guy who is sick.
He said "Wow! brilliant sir! So you'll do it?"
I said "No. I only blow my own trumpet."

It's times like this when I'm sat in bed, with the computer on my knee, that i wish I'd bought a laptop.

Bought a new rug yesterday, you can't beat a new rug. Well you can, but what's the point?
 
My wife's into role reversal. She puts the ham on the outside.

I actually ended up marrying the woman who pulled me out of my mum's vagina. It was love at first sight.

You don't wanna mess with me. I've got a mate who's a roofer, a mate who's a pilot, and a mate who's an astronaut. Got friends in high places I have.
 
I felt depressed last night, so I opened my bedroom window and climbed up onto the sill. It was a long way down. I thought one slip here and it's curtains for me, and if I fall the other way I'm gonna die.

I've hit a stumbling block in my relationship. I tripped over a rubix cube trying to give the wife a hug.

I was rummaging through the bins as usual when suddenly I found a little kitten. It was the pick of the litter.
 
I sneaked up on the man who played Rocky and Rambo and punched him in the back of the head. It was a sly dig.

My wife tells me I'm not half the man I used to be, which is a bit unfair, although I have lost a certain zest after having my legs amputated.

I was playing cricket and managed to score 236 runs before I got out.
My mate said "We're gonna win because of you! You'll have to play next time!"
I said "This is justa big inning."
 
pantalon violet again said:
You need to kill yourself...with hot fire
Click to expand...
pantalon violet again said:
You are a c**t with a capital unt
Click to expand...

As a total optimist, I know your game sunshine. You don't really mean these insults, you're just bumping up the thread to make sure everyone reads these funny ass jokes. What a guy.

tumblr_n51gnbZRrw1tumanfo1_500.gif
 
We have to save the African lions, its a matter of pride. And the dolphins too, they're always getting abducted from school.

I saw that the caped crusader lost his mind and set fire to a priest. Holy smokes Batman.

Someone raked a curved knife down my stomach. I felt sickle little bit.
 
Yesterday I had 3 bacon sarnies for breakfast, I ate 4 ham rolls and 2 pork pies for lunch, then I had gammon and sausages for tea. Pigged out all day I did.

I've suddenly decided i'm never going to eat a hot christmas dinner ever again. I'm going cold turkey.

Just got back from the doctors. He said I'm gonna die soon unless I stop putting oxo cubes in my bath. I think you only live once, so I've got one foot in the gravy already.
 
I bet my mate I could hit a golf ball out my bedroom window. I took my swing and the ball slammed into my pillow. I fluffed it.

My mate, without telling me, has used my tools to whittle a piece of wood to look exactly like a fanny. Crafty ****.

I put my foot in it good style yesterday, I tried on a designer shoe.
 
For Steve: Patient: Vet, vet, my parrots are stuck together!
Vet: I’m sorry, I don’t understand - it’s toucan fusing
 
manchester blue said:
For Steve: Patient: Vet, vet, my parrots are stuck together!
Vet: I’m sorry, I don’t understand - it’s toucan fusing
Click to expand...

You owe everyone that reads that an apology
 
Bird jokes is it? Well toucan play that game.

My mate, who I fought in the war with, was showing off his impressive arsenal to me. We were having a good old chat while looking at various knives, rifles, grenades etc. Then I suddenly clammed up and jumped behind the couch when he shown me his pocket sized pistol/cigarette lighter. I guess i'm a little gun shy these days.
 
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