Joke thread

[dickie davies]

 

[mrcunny]

 

[sir baconface]

The only more disgusting sight today was City’s derby performance.

 

[Vienna_70]

View attachment 180724

Many a true word spoken in jest.

 

[bluethrunthru]

 

[ray21]

A guy goes to a record stall on the market, he buys a Elvis Presley record and it’s called Wooden Leg, he says to the stall holder, shouldn’t that be Wooden Heart, the stall holder says no that’s the pirate copy.

 

[jimharri]

 

[Vienna_70]

I’ve just seen this on Facebook:

Trump dies from a virus and ends up in Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do with you," says the Devil. "You're definitely on my list, but I'm completely out of space. You have to stay here, though, so here's my solution. I've got three people down here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go free, but you have to take their place - and I'll even let you decide who leaves."

Trump thinks this sounds like a pretty good deal and agrees.

The Devil opens the first door. Inside is Richard Nixon, standing next to a huge pool of water. Over and over again, he dives in and resurfaces empty-handed. That is his punishment for eternity.

"Nope," says Trump. "I'm not a strong swimmer, and I'm not doing that all day!"
They move on to the second room. Inside is Tony Blair, holding a sledgehammer in a room filled with rocks. He swings the hammer again and again without rest.

"No way," Trump says. "My shoulder is terrible. I'd be in agony smashing rocks all day."

The Devil opens the third door. Trump sees Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor, arms and legs staked out. Bent over him is Monica Lewinsky, enthusiastically doing what she's famous for.

Trump watches for a moment, then nods. "Yeah," he says, "I can handle this".

The Devil smiles and says, "Monica - you're free to go."

 

[mrcunny]

 

[Bill Walker]

I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo.

The zookeeper said it was…
… bread in captivity.




Sorry guys..

 

[bluethrunthru]

 

[bluethrunthru]

 

[NPBlue]

A colleague called Tony said 'please don't say my name backwards'.

I asked him 'why not?'

 

[chris63]

Not a joke, but very funny

 

[BlueNomad]

Fucking hell! That’s 10 minutes I am not getting back! ;)

Comprehensive school?

 

[horlock_was_super]

Comprehensive school?

Yes but, I had been drinking that afternoon!

 

[bladdered]

 

[Sam101]

I told my neighbour a few days ago that I was having a tattoo this week. He said he was really looking forward to seeing it.



He then had the nerve to come round today complaining about the noise of the bagpipes

 

[Sam101]

I told my wife that Bruce Lee had a brother who hated jokes.

She said, Seriously?

I said, Ahhh, you've heard of him?

 

[bladdered]

Barber: What would you like?
Him: Short back and shepherd's pie please.